Around Eleven O'Clockish
by YourEvilNemisisBwahaha
Summary: Anna is a human stuck in the Cullen household, and all is not well. With an Edward very firmly locked in the closet, a semi-retarded Emmett and a nymphomaniac Jasper... things can get awkward. Thank god Jacob is sane...ish. CRACKITY CRACK CRACK CRACK
1. Vampire Says What Now?

_**A/N**__ I would just like to say that while I don't _love_ them, I don't hate the Twilight books. Sure, they're bubble-gummy (and you just know everyone is going to end up super happy, content and all that jazz) but they're…nice. Yeah, they're nice little books._

_**BUT**__._

_Is Bella a Mary-Sue or what?? C'mon, everyone loves this kid! And everyone is so sickeningly brave and noble! So. I'm putting a regular character in Twilight. Well…regular-ish._

_Oh BTW, freakin' hate the movies._

_Go figure._

* * *

**Monday 13****th****/5**

I found this notebook under Wonder-Boy's bed. I figure I might as well keep an account of the freakiness while it's still fresh in my brain. And while I don't _know_ if he can wipe memories, I _highly_ suspect.

There's also a large chance that his anal-repetitiveness will sense that I took the note-book and it'll bug him for days!! _Ahahahaha_!!!

Oh, bonus points for when he smells that I've been in his 'private space' and throws a hissy fit.

I wonder if I can get it on tape…

Although I have to admit, he's not really the hissy-fit throwing type. He'll go all high and mighty, probably trying to make me aware of my immaturity again despite the fact that it's established that he has two hundred years on me.

No seriously, I'm like "Dude, I'm a _kid_. Oh yeah, and BTW, you're like a gazillion years older then your wife, so unless you want to open _that_ kettle of fish-"

Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should start at the start, on the off chance that anyone reads this. ( I have the handwriting of a concussed two-year-old, so good luck to ya'!)

* * *

Well.

It started in red.

I know, _deep_ right?

It's true though. I was wearing this _epic_ red dress over a pair of black leggings and boots. It was my favourite outfit, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the following story- I just want to make you aware of my impeccable taste in items of clothing. So yes, it started in red, because I'm pretty sure it was the red that honed me in on his radar.

Wait, is that a saying?

No, actually, _he_ honed in on _me_. But it was still on his radar.

And believe me, if you haven't ever seen a young man in a top-coat and tails hone in on you on a highly windy day, you haven't lived!

I laughed so hard I nearly puked!

Especially when his top-hat blew away, but he just ignored it and kept staring at me. I had to assume he was staring, because he was wearing sun-glasses, which didn't really rock with the whole 19th centaury aristocrat look he was going for. I assumed he was with the local re-enactment group. We have one of those. They generally get over-excited whenever they see articles of shiny clothing, assume they're armour, and stab whoever is wearing them.

Hah! No, I lie. But it happened once! Danny Henchling totally flipped and rammed this pole into a guy and it didn't even make any sense because he was a flag carrier, which was pretty lucky for the other guy really 'cos-

Focus Anna! Focus!

Oh yeah, that's me!

Anna Banana! That's not my real name, of course. I get that because I'm a little on the weird-oh side. Like my classmates say: "Anna, you're quirky and god knows we love you but would you ever _shut the hell up_!"

Gotta love those guys.

Anyhoo…Yes, freaky guy looking at me, and I'm laughing at the whole cape-blowing-in-the-wind situation, which makes him look like a large bird. I lose my balance, and clip my heel on a rock. This causes me to slip sideways, and by all rights I should have eaten a dirt sandwich when-

Suddenly I'm in Bird-Boys arms! I gaped up stupidly at him, trying to get the old brain-banana to process the situation as I struggle back onto my feet

"Dude, that was freakin' _awesome_," I told him in awe-filled tones. "How'd you get from _there_ to _there _so fast?!"

"Would you like to take a walk?" he suddenly says, totally laying on the charm. I shuffled awkwardly, hitching my satchel a little higher on my shoulder and considered.

On one hand, this guy was pretty hot. Really pale skin, sort of dark coppery hair and about a head and a half taller then me. He was also _really_ skinny, and his cheek bones looked like they could give you a paper cut.

On the other hand… Em, hello? Going off with a mysterious stranger in a cape??

Not a good idea.

Unless it's batman.

Also, the wind was blowing my hair all over the shop and it was complaining.

Okay, not actually complaining, but I tend to treat my hair as a separate identity and let it lead its own life. It doesn't like hairbrushes, for a start and it doesn't get on well with wind _at all_.

So, I let out a sigh of regret and said: "No can do m'man. I have class in…" I looked at the cracked face of my watch. "Oh. Ten minutes ago, actually. I'll see you around, 'kay?" I also considered telling him that he smelt _amazing_, but I was waylaid by the sudden look of utter shock on his face.

Well, I had to assume because he was still wearing sun-glasses but his mouth went all slack and his eye-brows shot up.

"_No_?"

"Uh. Yeah. I mean- Yeah, I said no." Geez, was this guy full of himself, or what?

"Are you _sure_?"

"Uh…" If I hadn't been before, I was now. Creepy guy in a cape and waistcoat (probably has a fob-watch, the perv) assumes I _want_ him. No, I _need_ him! Oh baby, oh baby!

Oooh, I should watch that movie again. After all, I have a _lot_ of free time on my hands these days. Just last week I watched the _entire_ collection of the Friends box-sets. I'm contemplating moving on to Sex and The City because I've never actually seen any of those, but the Doc sometimes likes to do 'quality time' watches TV with me.

I mean, can you _imagine_??

Watching that with him sitting beside me??

Oh dear _lord_…

Whoops.

Getting side-tracked again.

Back to El-Creepo, who was looking completely _astonished_ that I didn't have to repress the urge to pounce him and ravish him all over.

He was also _still_ _staring_, so I started to edge away. The yard was emptying a little, because most classes began around this time and I somehow felt that it was not a good thing to be left alone with this guy.

"So, um…yeah. Great. Lets do lunch sometime. My people will call your people. Soooo…" I reached the door, and his eyes were still locked on me. "_Yeahokaybyethen_!"

Door slammed- Safe.

Dashed down hall- Safer.

Ran into classroom- Safe- actually, no, no longer safe because I was twenty minutes late and Mrs. A chewed me a new one.

_Anyway_, the day progressed pretty uneventfully after that. I'm not going to say that all thoughts of Whatshisname were driven out by the continuous flow of normality, but the whole experience did seem a little unreal. After all my classes were finished, I had debating. I love debating! A chance to annoy the crap out of people and be praised for it! Okay, so this one time a chick punched me.

But I got an extension, so no biggy! And I rocked a black eye for a while, so that was cool.

I wandered home at the comely time of five or so, to a normal family meal full of normalness with food that was so normal I actually refused to eat it for a bit because it had been normal for three days in a row and like, come on.

Then I watched TV, yelled at newsreaders with my Mom, baked a pie with my Dad, eyed my homework for a little while, and then decided that I was smashed and it was time to get to bed.

Around here, normal decided to go on hiatus.

I haven't seen it since, the rat bastard.

Because as I reached over in the darkened room to flip the switch and thus get the chance to yell "And on the seventh day, Anna said _LET THERE BE LI-"_

A gloved hand clamped over my mouth.

"_Mmph_!" I squeaked, actually _feeling_ two years being knocked off my life-span due to unnecessary trauma to my heart.

"Hush," said a voice in the dark. "Make a sound and I'll kill the next person who walks through that door."

My lovely mother chose this moment to call up the stairs. "Anna? You okay honey? You stopped mid-commandment."

Gingerly, the hand was withdrawn and I peered into the dark to see who my assailant was.

"Answer her!" a male voice hissed.

"But you said-"

"Anna?"

"_Answer_ _her_!"

"Yes, but you _said_ not to-"

He pinched my arm _hard_ and I shrieked. "Anna?" My mom began to climb the stairs, god love her. "What's the matter?"

Aware that further silence could result in more excruciating pinches I yelled "Nothing! I saw a- a- a-"

"Spider," murmured the man.

"Spider! Wait, no-"

"But you like spiders," came my mothers confused reply, but her ascent of the stairs had paused.

"Uh, yeah. So…yay! Spider! I'm shrieking with joy here!"

There was a long pause. "Okay," she sighed. "Goodnight then." And she began to go back downstairs. I'm pretty sure I heard the words "…such a _strange_ girl…" being said.

The light was flicked on, and Bird-boy stood before me.

"You!!!"

"Me," he affirmed, settling on my bed and crossing his long legs.

"How did you- Oh god. You're going to kill me, aren't you?"

"I hope to," he admitted.

It's not cool, hearing those words. I mean, they're so innocent but in the right context (or in this case, the wrong context) the have the power to make you faint like a nine-year-old girl.

Which I did.

But I like to think I did it in a _dynamic_ kind of way.

When I came to, my head was on his lap and he was stroking my hair. Eh, heebie-jeebies much? I'm talking mass shudders of disgust, causing me to leap out of his arms, flee down the stairs and then alert the authorities.

Well, that was the _plan_, but I hadn't accounted for Bird-Boy's freakishly strong strength (This is a diary. Sue me.) He more or less pinned me in place with one careless hand while the other continued the stroking.

"_Eep_," I said, filled with courage and bravery. Seriously, the only reason I wasn't sobbing and begging for my life was that I was so damn scared I couldn't even blink.

"I think you should get up now, and take off all your clothes," he announced.

"Go to hell," I advised him. I blinked, shocked at my sudden new-found will to die. (I also remembered how to blink.)

Funnily, he didn't seem about to whip out a serrated knife to gut me. "_Fascinating_," he said, in this super-pleased sort of voice. "You won't do it?"

"Do you have a serrated knife?"

"No."

"Then no, I won't do it. Uh…" For some reason, my fear started to ebb away, despite the fact that I was in the company of a young man who had confessed his desire to see me dead. "Could you, uh, stop doing that?"

He wasn't listening, so he just kept stroking. "Hmm?"

"Could you stop _touching_ me?" My hair was getting angry.

"Oh! Well, of course." He lifted his hands and I cautiously sat up. Ok_aaaay_…I was trapped in my room with a possible sex-fiend.

And it was only Tuesday!

I really, really hoped he wasn't going to…um…get physical.

"Out of curiosity," I said carefully. "What would happen if I called for help?"

Without appearing to think about it, Bird-boy reached out one skinny arm and gripped my bed-post.

It crumpled into dust.

I made a sort of gagging noise in the back of my throat.

"This is quite the conundrum," he said thoughtfully. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you now. Be assured however, if you breathe one single word about this to anyone, I will kill you and yours. Are we clear?"

"Sure! No problem!" I babbled, as he stood up. "No breathing! Got it!"

He was so tall, he seemed to unfold, and he was still wearing that stupid cape. He looked at me again, the bedroom light accentuating his pale skin, and making his copper-hair gleam.

"Good," he said, and vanished through the window.

I had just enough time to process that this time he wasn't wearing sun-glasses, and his eyes were a deep, blood red.

Oh.

Shit.

* * *

Now, the next morning I knew it wasn't a dream because I was so freaked out I never actually slept. I was like a zombie for the rest of the day, and actually fell asleep in my lunch-time jello. (Not as bad as it sounds- quite comfy in a squishy way.)

I kept waiting…and waiting…and _waiting_ to be pounced and eviscerated like road-kill, but it just never happened.

Well, the fact that I went everywhere while clinging to someone else and yelled loudly whenever I was left alone probably helped.

I think the teachers were dropping the old therapy-hints to my parentals again, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, weeks went by and Bird-boy kept completely failing to leap from the shadows and slice me into a bazillion pieces.

I'd say I got annoyed at the three-month mark if I wasn't filled with knee-weakening relief. I had also invested in some serious duty locks for my bedroom window, and a switch blade which I kept stuffed down my boot. I tried keeping it down my bra for a while, but that did _not_ work out well. Also, it was cold.

I can't say that normality came back, because life WASN'T normal. Normality bailed! It did not pass go, did not collect two-hundred dollars! It buggered off and left me in a sticky mess of weirdness.

Then, five days after the three month mark, I came home to find him sitting on my couch.

He was sipping tea, and engaged in a very intimate conversation about fabric with my mother, who likes that sort of thing.

He looked up and saw me. And he grinned! Grinned! At me! In my living room! The young man who had openly said he was going to be the one to put out the flame of my valuable life shot me a wink and continued to nod along to my mother's ramblings.

I dropped my satchel to the ground with an audible thump, and my mother looked up.

"Anna dear, don't do that. It marks the floor."

"Mom-"

"Now pick it up, and put it in your room."

"Mom, you don't-"

"Your father's baking a pie."

"_That_ _boy_-"

"Oh yes!" My mother suddenly became all fluttery. "You never told us your boyfriend was calling over!"

"He threat- _What_?"

"You could have mentioned it Anna, I mean _really_. What do you use that mobile of yours for?"

He smiled a long, slow smile. "Anna, my love, I thought you said you had told you parents."

"_He tried to kill me!__"_

"That's nice dear," burbled my mother, and she wandered away into the kitchen.

I stared after her in disbelief.

"No I didn't."

"What?" I turned and looked at Bird-boy, trying to find a grip on the situation. Hey, maybe _aliens_- Nah.

"I didn't try to kill you," he repeated mildly, stirring his tea in this obnoxiously calm way.

"Yes, well. You hinted _very_ strongly at it."

"Nevertheless."

Then my parents both came into the room, and began to set the table, get out bottles of wine and other various activities which signalled the prolonging of the visit as opposed to its immediate halt.

"Uh, Dad? This guy isn't my boyfriend."

"I baked a pie," he said, happily putting the fine china on the good table-cloth. Normally these words would make me ecstatic, (my father is an epic cook) but today they just freaked me out.

"I think he's going to brutally murder us all?" I tried tentatively.

"Anna, help lay the table," replied my mother.

I rounded on Bird-boy, who was sitting looking very smug with the entire situation. "What did you _do_ to them? Are they _drugged_?"

"I suppose you could call it that," he said. Then he looked at my parents. "Stop what you're doing," he told them.

And they did.

They stopped exactly where they were, looking like toys that had suddenly run out of battery. My mom's hair was covering her face as she bent to get a fork, and my dad's arm was stretched out over the table about to light a candle.

"Uh," I said. "Can you teach me to- I mean, no! You fiend! Fix them!"

"You don't even know what's wrong with them," he said calmly, brushing a fleck of dust off his sleeve.

"I know you did it!"

"True."

"So fix it!"

"I don't particularly want to," he said, sounding a tad sulky. I think I was meant to be impressed, or something. "Why would I, when I can do _this_."

"Do what?"

Bird-boy turned to my parents and said: "I'm taking Anna."

"_WHAT_?!"

"Do you agree to that Mrs. Lyndon?"

"Oh yes!" said my mother. "You kids have fun!"

"Mr. Lyndon?"

"Have her home before twelve."

"No, I don't think I will."

"All right," my father replied agreeably.

"Mom! Dad! _I don't want to go with him! _Also, twelve is a _ridiculously_ early- Okay, that's not the issue here!"

"Anna…" Bird-boy was rising from his seat. "It's time to go. If you want to say goodbye to your parents, now would be a good time."

"I won't- you can't-"

By way of reply, he picked up the couch with one hand. "You will," he said firmly. "And I can."

Then he stalked out of the room, the stupid cloak trailing behind him like a bad-joke. Obviously he put down the sofa first. Duh.

I turned to my lovely but somewhat useless parents. "Well, thanks for nothing you guys," I said bitterly. "Love you and all that jazz. I mean, I appreciate that he's doing voodoo or something, but jeez!"

"Have a nice time, dear." Mom patted my head fondly, accidently poking me in the eye in her spaced-out state.

"Be home before twelve," burbled my dad cheerfully. Apparently some things are drummed in just too hard.

I hugged them both, pretty sure it was going to be my Last. Time. Ever. I didn't get teary though because frankly, the whole situation was too bizarre. A part of me was going 'Naaaah. It's totally a dream. You'll wake up…_now_! Okay, no. _Now_! All right, not that time either. _Now_!'

And then another part of me was gibbering 'Aliens!! Aliens!!!!'

I went out into the hallway, and Bird-Boy was there, politely waiting for me.

"Where are we going?"

"You needn't be concerned with that."

"Oh _really_?"

"Come along."

He took my arm, as if he was some sort of debonair, and steered me out the door. In our driveway sat a 1940's style Chrysler, all black and shiny.

"Hooo," I breathed. "Someone has money."

"Yes," Bird-Boy said simply. "I do."

He opened the passenger door and gently propelled me in. The inside was white leather and smelled of wealth.

_If you're gonna die,_ said my subconscious, _at least you're doing it in a fancy car._

Well, that'll be a consolation, won't it? My blood would probably stain the leather! He'd never wash it out! Bwahahaha!!!

Bird-Boy climbed in beside me. "Wave to your parents," he said pleasantly, as he waved to the bleary couple in the doorway.

"Bite me," I snapped.

He stopped and turned to me, his eyes burning.

"You have no idea how much I want to." He turned back to the wheel and smoothly began driving away from my house.

Eep. I noticed those red eyes again. What was it? Contacts? Ohmygod, maybe he's the Devil!! Red-eyes! Old fashioned suit! Probably has a fob-watch!!!

While I was internally freaking out, I suddenly saw that he was chuckling as he drove.

"What's so funny?" I asked, bewildered.

"'Bite me,'" he repeated to himself, laughing a little louder. "Oh, the irony. You really _do_ have a knack for saying exactly the wrong thing, Anna."

"Yeah, well…" I did, actually. Even got a place in the yearbook for it, but he didn't know _that_. "You don't know me."

"Actually, I probably know you better then you know yourself," he drawled, not moving his eyes from the road.

"Weirdo."

"Where do you think I've been for the last three months?"

"Uh. Alaska? I hear it's nice this time of year."

Then he did turn to look at me. "I haven't gone anywhere," he grinned.

That took a moment to sink in. "What? I don't-"

Bing. Lightbulb.

"_You were stalking me_?"

"Watching you."

"Stalking me!"

"Observing your lifestyle."

"Stalking me!!!"

"I wanted to find out what made you tick."

"You could have _asked_!!"

"Stop shouting."

"I'll shout if I damn well want to!" I yelled, forgetting about disintegrating bed-knobs and rising couches for the moment.

He began to laugh again. "It's such a novelty, not being obeyed."

"It's about to wear thin," I warned.

Silence descended once more. Until I said: "_When_ did you watch me?"

He grinned again, and there was something filthy about this one. "_All_ the time."

I slapped him. Hard.

Which is pretty difficult to do in a car, I might add. You can't get a proper swing in, and you have to bend your elbow all awkward. But I tried.

And I ended up with a broken hand for my troubles.

He was like marble! It was like slapping a statue and it had about that much effect on the subject as slapping a statue would. He kept staring grimly ahead, until he realised I was making little yelping noises of pain as I clutched my hand. Then his red-eyes filled with concern. He pulled over, and took my hand

"Silly girl," he murmured, examining it minutely

"I hate you!" I would have tugged my hand away, but the fact of the matter was that his freezing skin was pretty soothing on my quickly swelling hand.

"I don't think it's broken…"

"I hate you so much!"

"Here." He flipped open the glove compartment, and out spilled a mini-hospital. Bandages, antiseptic cream, sutures, gauze…You name it, he had it.

"Oh god, I really _am_ going to die!"

He looked at me, puzzled for the first time. "Excuse me? I show you items that heal and you come to the conclusion I'm going to kill you?"

"Yeah, you want me better so you have a fresh canvas to stab! Why do you have all this!?"

It took me a minute to place the emotion, because it was so unexpected. He looked embarrassed.

"Well," he said slowly. "It's for you."

"Oh god, I really _am_-"

"_Because_ I asked someone for advice, and he warned me that you would be very fragile. I don't normally deal with-" He stopped, and suddenly concentrated on the ceiling. "I don't suppose that if I told you to forget what I just said, you would?"

"No," I said, the cogs in my brain whirring furiously. Girls? Was he going to say he didn't normally deal with girls? Well, he looked to be in his early twenties so that's a bit weird.

_Weirder then the cape, the red eyes and the freaky voodoo voice?_ my subconscious asked.

Right.

Never mind.

He started up the car as I moodily bandaged my hand.

We drove on…

And on…

And on…

* * *

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up in a hotel room.

And he was staring at me.

I shrieked and fell off the bed. "Don't do that!" I yelled from the floor.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I ordered you breakfast." I poked my head up just in time to see him gesture towards a trolley that was groaning with food.

"Wha- I won't- Why did you order so much?"

"I didn't know how mush you would eat."

"Oh." Suddenly, I took in the room for the first time. It was fancy, and I mean that in the Fan-_Say_est sense there is. The bed I was on could have slept four people, and the sheets were seriously fancy material (my mom would have flipped). The walls were gold and covered in cherubs, a sure sign of either vast wealth or bad taste. Maybe both.

Then… "Did you carry me here?"

"Yes."

"Oh." I'm not at my best in the mornings, so I was blearily looking around the place and rubbing eye-liner out of my eyes.

"But," he said hopefully, obviously aware that this was prime time to not get shouted at. "I _didn't_ take off your clothes!"

I looked down. I was wearing red silk pyjamas.

I looked up and opened my mouth-

"A maid did it!" he said quickly. "You looked so tired! A female maid!"

"Did we sleep in the same bed?"

"No," he said promptly.

"Well…good. Where did you sleep?"

"I didn't. I mean, I don't."

"You don't _sleep_?"

"No."

"Then what did you do?"

"I watched you."

I gave him a Look. He looked back. Then I remembered that he could crush me with one little flex of his freakish hands.

I wished I hadn't.

I slid off the bed and began to stuff my face from the trolley. I could feel him watching me, with this big fascinated look on his face and it made me feel like a science experiment.

"Are you eating or what?"

"I don't eat," he said vaguely, not taking his eyes from my bulging cheeks.

"You don't _eat_?"

He blinked those red eyes of his, and shook his head. "No."

I sat down on the bed, still chewing a blueberry muffin. "All right. Cards on the table. What are you?"

He smiled. "Red eyes. Cape. Pale skin. What do you think I am?"

"An alien."

The smile vanished. "An alien," he said sardonically. "She thinks I'm an alien."

"What? What? It's plausible!" I said, moving on the fried eggs. If I was going to die, I was going to be full when I did goddamnit!

"An alien."

"You have googily eyes," I pointed out. "Red, but googily." It was true, he did have these eyes that sort of bulged a little.

He seemed to soften when I said his eyes were googily. "I see. Doesn't anything _else_ come to mind?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"Nothing else? Anna? Are you sure you can't think of anything else?"

I thought about it, dripping yellow egg-yolk on my pyjamas. "Well…You could be- Nah. That's stupid."

"What??"

"Well…"

"Say it!"

"I guess…if I went crazy…you could be a-"

"_Say it!!"_

"Werewolf."

He stared at me. The he got up and strode over to the closet and pulled it open. Something large fell out and hit the ground.

It was a maid.

And she had no throat.

"I," said Bird-boy. "Am a _vampire_."

Suddenly I didn't want any more breakfast.

* * *

I sat in the car and quietly gibbered to myself as Bird-boy finished tipping the guy who drove over our car.

What're they called again?

Begins with a 'C'…my friends brother used to work as one, and she said he used to go driving around the city in them, doing 360's and wheelies galore. That's probably not true though.

I was babbling like this in my head to try and distract my self from the fact that I had seen my first ever corpse.

Bird-boy opened the car door and climbed in. Subconsciously, I shrank away from him, pressing into the side of the car in an attempt to get as far away from him as possible. Now _I_ was the one doing the staring. He was back to wearing those sunglasses, so I couldn't see the red in his eyes.

He sighed. "I don't want you to be afraid of me."

If I wasn't about to wet myself with fear, I might have laughed.

"I should have considered the effect that seeing the body would have had on you."

Duh.

"But I'm not used to- I'm not used to being around humans." He paused, and then added: "Well, not for long periods of time, anyway."

Gee.

Great.

Thanks for that.

Then he started the car. Oh! It was valet parking. Just remembered.

"Where…"

He turned to look at me. It was the first sound I had made since- since.

"Where are we going?"

He pulled out onto the street. "Somewhere you'll be safe."

Uh. Maybe this is an obvious question but…"Safe from what?"

He took of the sunglasses and those red eyes looked straight into mine.

"Safe from _me_."

Oh. Gotcha.

Then he pulled out a fob-watch to check the time.

And I realised: Yes, I Really Am Going To Die.

* * *

And now I'm sleepy, and someone is yelling my name, so I guess I'll finish this some other time.

Hate to leave you in suspen-

Oooh, Wonder-Boy is baking cinnamon rolls!!

Later!

* * *

_A/N Where are they going!__? Who knows! Well, since this is a Twilight knock-off, I'm going to go ahead and say there's pretty good odds that at least 95% of people can guess where._

_And BTW I have no plot._

_None._

_Zilch._

_Nada._

_It's kinda liberating…_


	2. Well this sucks harder then a hoover!

**Thursday 16****th****/5th**

IM baaack!"

And only three days too late, too!

Man, my attention span must be getting better.

_Okaaaay_, so…

* * *

We had been riding in the car for like, three hours, when we came to this piss-poor little town in the middle of nowhere.

I got a _baaad_ feeling…

"What the fuck?" I said to myself, as I pressed my nose against the window. My face smooshed against the glass, and my breath fogged up before me. I was, no doubt, creating an attractive impression on any townspeople that happened to look my way.

"Why is it so cloudy? It's summer! This is stupid it- Wha- Why are you slowing down? Why are you turning this way?! No! Turn back!" I then saw a banner reading 'Fork's Annual Apple Festival!!' and began to scream.

"NO! I will _not_ live in a town with an apple festival!! For the love of all that is holy-!!!!"

Bird-Boy slammed on the breaks, causing me to jerk so far forward that my seat-belt attempted to become an intimate part of my body.

"Do you think that this is a game?" he hissed.

"_Jenga_!" I murmured, clearly semi-concussed.

"My name," he said calmly. "Is Nicholas Alexsandrovich Romanov. I am four hundred years old and I have seen the passing of more days then you have ever lived. I feast upon the slow demise of humans. I derive sustenance from the death of your fellow man. And yet… and yet I find myself to be utterly in love with you. What say you to _that_?"

I looked blearily at him and said: "Damn, you're _old_."

"Yes," he replied. "I am."

I tried desperately to retrieve the frantically giggling/hyperventilating parts of my brain together. "You're…in…love…with me?"

"Yes. I have devoted my soul to ensuring that you enjoy each day more then the next."

"Uh…" I decided not to point out the obvious flaw in that plan, which included hormones and the general mental state of your average female. "Well, have you ever heard the phrase 'If you love her, you'll let her go'?"

"I could do that," he said easily.

"Well great! Then-"

"But if I did, the chances that I would hunt you down and drain you of every drop of blood in your body would be significantly heightened."

Silence.

"Oh."

"Indeed."

I looked at him, as he stared moodily out the window. He was probably contemplating how killing and eviscerating the love of his life was going to affect him. And oh! he could probably afford to look even more moody and mysterious now that he had discovered the true pain of the soul!

Bastard.

"Right. Well, where _are_ we going then? Actually, could I…"

"Yes?" He looked wonderingly at me. I hadn't asked for anything before. "Ask anything of me, and I shall grant it to you if it is within my power."

Whoa. Gay.

"Can I…"

"_Yes_?"

"Can I call you Nicky?"

Pause. "…no."

"Aw, come on!"

"Absolutely not."

"It'll make me haaappy!"

"I…well…I mean, I can't just—Oh, fine!"

"Yes!"

"But only you! It is demeaning to a being of my power. I wouldn't even do it if I didn't know it would make you happy."

Make me- Wait a minute!!!

"You don't know me! Maybe I'm never happy, you freaking man-bitch!" Then I noticed the look on his face. "I retract my earlier comment after realising you could rip out my throat with one tiny flex of your temporomandibular joint," I said, subconsciously raising my hands until they firmly gripped, and therefore protected, my throat-flesh.

"Good," he said, sounding approving. "I like the way you're aware that I could reach over and shred you to bits. I would also like to point out that I do know you. I've been stalking you for the past three months, and therefore _know how you like to __**breathe**_."

"Really?" I asked, curious. "How?"

Pause. "Uh…" he said. "It was more a figure of speech-"

"Hah!"

"But I _do_ happen to know that you like to breathe in rapidly successive breathes because they make you feel like you're a spy."

I looked at him in grudging admiration. "Kudos."

"Good. Well, on we go."

He turned the car up a secluded road, which gradually sloped into something akin to a private driveway. At the top of the driveway stood one of those seriously expensive modern-arty houses. I mean, for one thing, it was all glass on one side of the building- this made me jump to the conclusion that it was a hospital, but somehow I didn't think that this was the case.

"What's _this_?" I asked cautiously.

"_This_ is the Cullen household," said my apparent man-bitch, who could kill me if it occurred to him. "This is where you're going to live for a while."

"Super."

"It is, actually. The head of the house-hold has agreed to take you in."

"Swell."

"You will be seeing how I hope to achieve-"

"Awesome."

"_Stop with the sarcasm already_!"

I stopped as he fumed. The sunglasses were off and the red-eyes were bulging. I believe I have mentioned it before, but I will mention it once again: _Eep!_

At this point, survival was quickly becoming my new favourite hobby.

At the same time however, I seemed to be growing a new section of my brain dedicated to annoying the living (or undead) bejeesus out of this super-stalker.

Hey, he started it.

* * *

As he rang the doorbell on the uber-mansion of the year, I started to do a little jiggy dance.

I was nervous.

And I needed to pee.

Like, an hour ago. Vamp-boy wasn't to familiar with the term 'bathroom break'. Probably cause he never needed to pee ever.

Hey. Wait. Oh my god, what happens to people who're turned into vampires when they have to go to the bathroom??? Eternity in leg-locked agony!!!

It hadn't helped that Nicky (hehe) had dragged me from the car- the kicking and screaming on my part made the whole bladder situation worse.

Footsteps. Someone was coming.

"C'mon, c'mooooon," I muttered.

The door swung open.

And I totally almost peed myself.

"_More_ vampires??" I screeched. "To keep me safe you bring me to more vampires??? WORST. PLAN. EVER!!"

"Calm down," he said sternly. "The Cullens will not harm you. They don't drink human blood."

"Oh. Freakin' awesome."

There was a silence as I took in the vampire in front of me. He was god-like of course, but with a really stuck up look on his face and this coppery kinda hair.

He was also wearing a flowery apron.

He stood there like he was expecting me to be all overwhelmed with the sheer vampire-ness of him or something.

And I was, totally.

But…

"Kay, now I _really_ need to pee."

* * *

As soon as I entered their bathroom, I knew that these guys were rich.

Elegant faucet fixtures, big fluffy towels, not to mention these cute little soaps shaped like Millard Filmore's head

I also knew they were vampires--because there was no toilet roll.

Well, I guess that solved THAT little question, and luckily I had some tissues in my back pocket, but that whole situation could have been very potentially awkward. I hopped knee-locked over to the porcelain throne and did my bizness, and returned to the main hall-thingy just in time to see Nicky (hee!) bugger off.

I kid you not.

His actual car was actually driving down the actual driveway and out of sight.

"Uh…" It dawned on me that in the event of this new vampire not taking a shine to me, I was going to become a very battered corpse in about three nanoseconds. And he didn't seem to be either. He still had that annoying constipated look on his face.

Not to mention the apron.

Seriously, what's with that?

Luckily for me, (or unluckily- I wasn't quite sure at that point.) three more vampires turned a corner into the hall.

"Ah," said the oldest looking one, smiling happily. "You're here! And you've met Edward. Wonderful"

"We haven't been introduced properly," said Edward, who was, I now noticed, holding a feather duster. He turned to me, extending a hand. "Edward Cullen."

"Yeah…I kinda got that. Uh-" I took his hand and pumped it. "Anna."

Then, he pursed his lips and took a wet-wipe out of his packet and cleaned his hands. "Charmed," he said.

Hm. An anally-retentive vampire.

Who'da thunk it?

The other vampires got in on the act then. "I'm Jasper," said the tall lean one.

"Emmett," grinned the MASSIVE one, who didn't look all that bright, TBH.

"And I'm Carlisle," finished the older one. "And we're very happy to have you."

"For dinner?" I asked.

"No," Carlisle chuckled. "We don't drink human blood."

"Right. So…you eat human flesh?"

"Wha- No! We don't eat people!"

"You liquidate them? That's weird."

"No! We drink animal blood!"

"You're not going to slice me open and eat me?

"NO!"

"Oh. Cool. I'm hungry."

There was a pause.

"So…" Jasper looked at me like I was mental, or something. "You understand? We're vampires that don't drink human blood?"

"Yeah. Do you have like, soup or something? I'm wasting away here."

They looked relieved. "Slow, isn't she?" said Edward.

"Not to mention surprisingly accepting," said Carlisle. "Uh, I mean- Edward! Don't be rude to our guest!"

"Okay seriously," I said. "If I don't get to eat soon, I'M going to be the one who eats someone."

* * *

In the kitchen, I layed into some delicious spaghetti, whipped up by Anally-Retentive himself. Carlisle had gone to the hospital (he was a doctor, apparently) and Emmett was outside throwng stuff at other stuff. His favourite hobby, I was told.

"So," I said with my mouth full. "Anal- I mean, Edward. How come you can cook? I thought vampires didn't eat real-people food."

"That's racist," said Jasper irritably. "Vampires are real people too."

"Nuh-uh! Everyone knows vampires aren't real!"

They looked at me. "We ARE vampires," said Edward. "We clearly real."

"YOU may think so, but it's totally common knowledge that you aren't."

"We're talking to you. Right now."

"My imagination."

"We're _real_."

"So not."

"Stop talking. You're embarrassing yourself."

"You're in denial."

"Shut up."

"Edward was in love with a human," Jasper blurted out. For some reason he seemed to want to bring our deeply intellectual and hard-core discussion to an end.

"Ah bless!" I said. "That's lovely! What was his name?"

"Well, it- Wait, what? I like girls!"

"Oh. Right. Yeah…I, uh, totally get that from you."

"Good!"

"No gaydar signals whatsoever."

"Her name is Bella," he snapped irritably.

"Is? She isn't dead?"

"No, of course not!"

"Did you also kidnap her and make her stay with a bunch of unfairly good-looking strangers she didn't know?"

"No…that…doesn't actually happen often."

"So only MY vampire is a freak then?"

"He's a bit intense," admitted Jasper. "He's never really embraced the vegetarian option."

"The what?"

"That's what we call ourselves," he explained. "We only drink animal blood, so that makes us vegetarians."

"Oh. My aunt is a vegetarian," I volunteered.

"She doesn't eat meat?"

"No, I mean she drinks animal blood. We don't really talk about her."

Silence.

They stared.

"Uh," Jasper cleared his throat. "Are you…I mean…is there something wrong with you? I mean…_mentally_?"

"You have noooooo idea…."

* * *

And so it began.

I lived with the vampires, and basically spent each moment alternating between rejoicing at the fact that my throat remained whole and freaking out at the amount of shiny crap they let my play with.

Seriously, they were RICH. I poked around the bedrooms and found enough cash to float a small country for a while in one of the drawers.

And I stuffed some of it down my shirt.

Like you wouldn't.

Didn't work though, because Eddie smelled it on me, picked me up by one leg and shook me til it fell out.

We had developed quite the hate-loathe relationship.

"Put me down, man-bitch!!" I screamed.

"You need to be taught a lesson. Stealing is naughty," he said calmly, dangling my weight like I was filled with feathers as opposed to the yummy tacos I had for lunch.

Mmmmm.

Tacos.

"I'm gonna KILL you," I growled, aware that all the blood was rushing to me head.

"To late," he sang smugly. "Already dead!"

Then, just when I was actually starting to feel smarter with all the blood nourishing my dying brain-cells, he dropped me. This promptly killed all the cells that had been rejuvenated.

"Bastard," I groaned, as Jasper and Emmett came in to see what the noise was. "You utter, utter bastard."

"What's she done now?" chuckled Emmett.

"Picked up some petty cash," smirked Edward.

Hate.

"It's not like you'll miss it!" I climbed to my feet. "You bitches have billions! SQUILLIONS!"

"What makes you think you deserve to take that money?" asked Jasper sternly.

Suddenly, I felt remorse. "You're right. You guys must've worked really hard to earn all that. I'm sorry."

There was an awkward silence.

"Actually…" Jasper coughed. "Actually, we don't eat and stuff, so we don't buy food-"

"Or toilet paper," I said.

"Yes, right. Or toilet paper. So, it just kind of…amasses…really."

"Oh. Well, still, I mean, you saved all that up yourselves, right? That's still all hard-earned money, am I right?"

An other silence.

"Not…really," said Emmett. "See, Jaspers girlfriends Alice can see into the future. She predicts the stock market."

I started to get a little peeved. "Oh-kay. Right. But you guys must give it away to the needy, right? I mean, _you_ don't use it, so I bet you give it to the poor. How many charities do you guys donate to?"

They all shuffled their feet, except Edward. He just looked bored.

"We don't want to arouse suspicion," said Jasper sheepishly. "If anyone found out that we donated all that cash, they'd want to know how we got it!"

"Uh, its called an _anonymous donation_ you stingy bastards!" I yelled.

"_You_ wouldn't do it," said Edward. "You'd keep all the cash to yourself!"

"Yeah, but I'm not the one with bazillions, so it doesn't really matter what I do. You guys make me sick! I need to be away from you for a little while. Please leave me in peace with this giant pile of cash on the floor."

Unfortunately, they didn't.

* * *

It was two weeks into my lovely stay with the freakoids known as the Cullens, and I had discovered a few things.

First of all, there was more of them!!

Alice, Esme, Bella and some poor, poor child who had been cruelly named Renesmee were on some sort of girlie holiday, like and extended hunting trip. I was stuck with the boys of the group.

Second of all, Edward?

Yeah, can totally read minds. He kept this priceless little nugget of information from me until the fated day when I kept singing the same line of a song over and over in my head.

Basically, I was going I GET KNOCKED DOWN!!! BUT I GET UP AGAIN!!! Y'NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!!! I GET KNOCKED DOWN!!! BUT I GET UP AGAIN!!! Y'NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!!! I GET KNOCKED DOWN!!! BUT I GET UP AGAIN!!! Y'NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!!! for like three hours.

He threw down the paper he had been reading and caught me by the throat.

"I will knock you down," he snapped. "And as God is my witness, I will make it my life's goal to ensure that you _never get up again_!"

He was clutching my windpipe so all I could do was think _Omigod the gay-boy has gone crazy! Heeeeeelp!._

"I am not gay!" he screamed.

_And he's in denial! I'm gonna die cos' he's having tea with Mr. Tumnus!_

He squeezed harder. "Quit referencing stuck-in-the-closet jokes!"

_Now he's talking to noth- Wait, he's talking to me! How is he doing that???_

With a snarl of disgust, he dropped me to the ground, where I gagged and clutched my throat.

Seriously, no throat is safe around vampires, vegetarian or not.

"You really are slow, aren't you?" He produced his freakin' wet-wipes and began his cleansing ritual which was performed every time he touched me.

Sooooo anal.

"You know what this means?" I choked out while he was absorbed in examining his finger-nails.

"Finally, she gets it."

"I'm in a comic book!!!"

He stared down at me for a little while.

"Tell me," he said thoughtfully. "Who's more sad in this situation? You for coming up with that thought which could be attributed to the dying notion of a retarded chimp, or me for wanting to hear your god-awful explanation behind it?"

"Oh me, totally me."

"Go on then. Why are you a comic book character?"

"Clearly my thoughts are coming out in CAPTION BOXES!! So the reader can see what I'm thinking! Ooooh, maybe I'm a _super hero_!"

"Maybe you're a- What the hell are you talking about? I can't believe you don't get this! I can read minds, you idiot!"

I gave him a pitying look. "Oh Edward. Haven't you ever heard that the simplest explanation is the most likely?"

"What's your point?"

"Well, which is more likely, that you're a mind reading vampire (who doesn't really exist) or that I'm a super hero?"

He kneaded his temples with his knuckles. I guess he had a headache coming on. Wonder why?

"Pick a number," he said.

"Between what?"

"Doesn't matter."

_A squillion bazillion trillion and four._

"That's not a real number!"

I gasped. "Oh my god!"

"I told you!"

"YOU'RE a super-hero!!!"

After a little more time, and a little more screaming from Edward, he finally convinced me that he is a vampire that can read minds.

But I still made myself a cape out of a towel.

Just in case.


	3. The Ploymonogomy of the Situation

**Thursday 20****th****/6th**

So, I've been here quite a while now, and sporadically keeping up with this diary.

Sporadically.

That is totally a cool word.

Anyway, a while ago I celebrated my monthaversary in the Cullen household. It was NOT a happy time for me, as it hammered home how long I'd been there, doing absolutely nada. I don't know if you know this, but watching TV can actually get boring after a while. I mean, at this point I had watched ALL the episodes of Friends. Some of them twice.

And I was actually considering starting them again.

It also doesn't help that Carlisle started to remember that humans need a little thing called "Fresh Air" and, in extreme situations, "Exercise."

He entered the living room where I was semi-comatose, stuffing chips into my mouth. (The Cullens had stocked up on food before I had arrived, bless their unbeating little hearts.)

Man, their house is BOSS. Right then, I was sprawled on a leather couch that's bigger then my room watching a wall that was—oh wait, A GIANT TV!! One side of the room was completely made up of a glass window, and there was expensive vases and shit all over the shop.

Carlisle tapped a foot.

"Anna, I think it's time you turned that off, don't you?"

No response. I had just achieved the platinum state of slack-jawed idiocy, which heightens the viewing experience. Answering him would mean that all my hard work for the last three hours would be destroyed. Basically, I was trying to drown out the un-realness of my current living-situation by immersing myself in mindless drivel 24/7.

The Doc leaned over and flicked the TV off with the remote.

"Hey!" I yelled, suddenly snapping back to full awareness. "What did you do??"

"It's time to turn off the television and go outside," he said calmly.

"No seriously, what did you do? How did you turn it off?"

"Uh, I used the remote."

"There's a _remote_??? Man, I've been watching the Mexican channel for like, an hour!"

"Are the buttons on the television stuck?"

"Nah. I just, y'know, didn't want to get up."

He looked at me. "Are you telling me that you're so lazy, you watched a foreign language channel for an hour to avoid _standing_?"

"It's practically educational!!"

"Enough! Emmett! Come here!"

I cowered back into the couch as the monstrous beast known as Emmett squeezed through the doorframe.

"Yuh? What's up?"

"Take Anna outside. Make her do something."

Do something?? "No! Never! Physical activity is against my religion!" I gripped the arms of the chair firmly and tried to ground myself through sheer force of will. "This is a breach of the Constitution! Get me my congressman! I HAVE RIGHTS!"

Like he was lifting a rag doll, the Vamp-Hulk picked me up and slung me over his shoulder. We were going out into the huge landscaped garden, which was around the size of a golf-course and about as perfectly maintained.

"C'mon," he grunted, going through the huge patio doors into the (ugh) fresh air. "Lets play a game."

"Put me down! This is an outrage! What sort of game?!"

"Toss the Anna."

"You wouldn't DARE!"

After about an hour of being flung into the air, watching the landscape flying by in a green and grey blur and then being caught again, I consented that yes, actually he would.

* * *

Later, I was sitting in the kitchen, clutching my queasy stomach. They had carried me inside and propped me up on one of the black marble counters when it became apparent that I was not going to uncurl from the whimpering ball on the ground I had become.

"Uhhhhh…"

"You were a tad rough, Emmett," said Carlisle reprovingly as he poured some pink stuff in a spoon.

"Sorry," said Emmett, sounding completely unapologetic.

"_A tad rough_?" I fumed. "What about when he dropped me??"

"Accident."

"I hate you."

"Your head left a groove in our lawn."

"You dropped me on my head! I might drain bammage!"

"Now, now." Carlisle dumped the spoon into my mouth. "Let's not fight."

"Bleeeaaacchh."

"Anyway," he continued. "It was the only way to make sure that you got outside. I can't imagine how you can stand being cooped up all day."

"Yeah, well excuse me for not skipping around the place singing. I should be at home! It's my birthday a week, and I have to spend it _here_? I mean, technically I'm a kidnap victim! I'm stuck until Nicky comes back."

"If he does come back," said an insolent voice in the corner.

Edward was there, reading a newspaper. Though he so totally wasn't. I bet he was just holding it to look smart, like I do.

Sometimes I smoke a pipe.

I look really smart when I do that.

"What're you talking about?"

Edward looked up at me. "He might not come back, you know. If he can't stick to the vegetarian diet he's trying, he might decide it's safer for you if he never returns. Because he _loves_ you, _apparently_." He said that last line in a voice that was a little too disbelieving for my liking.

"Seriously? So if he doesn't come back, then I can come home??"

Carlisle nodded. "Of course. You don't think we'd keep you here against your will, do you?"

"Because right now, you're being kept here against _our_ will," added Edward.

"But then," said Emmett suddenly. "He might just decide to screw it all and come back here to kill you and drink your blood."

Silence.

"Whaaaaaat!" I screeched.

"But if that happens," said Carlisle hurriedly. "Then of course, we will protect you!"

"Yeah," said Edward, bored. "They'll protect you."

"But- but- What about when I go home?? There's no vampires there! My mom wouldn't allow it! Who will protect me then??"

There was another silence.

Edward made a small little non-committal sound that went a little something like "Meh."

I stared around at them. "You'll just leave me to die??"

"Well, we'd be lying if we said we liked you."

"Emmett!" said Carlisle. "No one is going to let Anna die!"

"Well if we can't _let_ her die then-"

"And no one is going to kill her either!"

"Aw."

Meanwhile, I was hyperventilating. "I would just like to say, what wonderful, wonderful people I think you all are, which is an opinion that could only be heightened by your _delaying of my death_."

"Stop _panicking_," groaned Edward. "You're giving me a headache."

"Yes, Anna," said Carlisle. "Edward is right."

"It was bound to happen eventually," interjected Emmett. Edward punched him on the shoulder and there was a thud which reverberated through the building.

"I highly doubt that Nicholas will kill you," continued Carlisle.

"Though one of us might," muttered Edward.

"I think it much more likely that he will want to turn you into a vampire."

Silence stood there with its mouth open.

"I don't _wanna_ be a vampire!" I wailed. They had no sense of humour as far as I could see. Then I noticed the horrified look on Wonder-Boy's face.

"We can't let him turn her into a vampire," said Edward firmly. "I won't allow it."

I stared at him, touched by his new-found willingness to protect me and to respect for my wishes. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. Maybe this was the start of a beautiful friendship…

"We'd be stuck with her forever."

I take it back. Hate, hate, hate.

"Yeah," I snorted. "Like I'd hang out with _you_ forever!"

"We'd be alive for eternity," he said dryly. "We'd probably bump into each other once or twice."

At this point, Jasper wandered in. "Who's yelling?"

"Anna."

"Someone hide her pudding again?"

"No, she doesn't want to be a vampire."

"We're making Anna a vampire?"

"NOBODY IS MAKING ME A VAMPIRE!"

"Nicholas might."

At this point, Edward spoke up. "At the risk of sounding like I care, why don't you want to be a vampire?"

I gibbered. "Seriously?? SERIOUSLY?? You guys live in the most boringest place on earth! You drink animal blood! You don't sleep! You don't dream! YOU DON'T EAT! NO MORE TACOS!"

"Wait, are you saying that you're going to put tacos before the man you love?" said Jasper sounding bewildered.

"Eh, Jasper-" said Carlisle urgently.

"No, wait, are you telling me that you're putting food before your soul-mate?"

"Jasper, she doesn't actually-"

"Listen," I snapped. "Who or what I put before Ryan Reynolds is none of your damn business."

Jasper paused. "Who are you talking about?"

"My soul-mate. Duh. Wait, who are _you_ talking about?"

"Uh. Nicholas?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," said Carlisle irritably. "Anna doesn't actually- well, she's not entirely- with regards to her feelings on Nicholas-"

"I hate the mo-fo," I clarified. "Did I not mention that?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me? What on earth is a 'mo-fo'?"

"Urban slang," Emmett explained. "Shortened version of motherfu-"

"All _right_."

"Really? You don't even like him?" Jasper was looking at me, bemused.

Mutely, I shook my head. "Huh. Sucks to be you." He wandered out again.

"Oh yeah? Well, the fact that you jumped straight to the soul-mate conclusion was kinda gay, BTW!" I called after him.

"BTW?" asked Edward.

"By the way," Emmett replied.

"Ah."

Carlisle sighed. "Well, I think that at this point we can call this meeting adjourned. If you'll excuse me…" The Doc left the kitchen.

"I can't believe this!" I fumed. "No one told me this might happen!"

"Well, you couldn't have done anything about it even if they did, could you?" said Edward reasonably.

"Well, no…but I'd have bitched a hell of a lot more!"

"Thank god for small favours, then." Edward turned to Emmett. "On another slightly more interesting topic, you do know that Jasper is taking this opportunity to go and find your hidden stash of explicit material, don't you?"

Emmett's eyes widened. "Not my porn!" He ran out of the room at an inhuman speed.

"Woah, vampire porn." I shuddered. "Do I want to know?"

"Jasper is missing Alice," explained Edward.

"And are you missing your respective life-partner?"

"I am missing my _wife_ who is a _woman_."

"I accept you as you are Edward. Embrace you inner-self."

Edward ground his teeth. "I'm also missing Renesmee, of course."

I paused in my happy swinging of my legs off the side of the counter. "Exsqueeze me? You have two chiquitas? What are you vamps, polymonogonous or something?"

"I think you're thinking of polygamous."

"I tell you what _I'm_ thinking. I'm thinking that being a vampire is starting to sound a little better. It applies to chicks too, right?"

"No, Renesmee is my _daughter_."

I. just. stared.

"You…have a kid?"

"See? I am _not_ gay."

"Wait, you have a _vampire baby_?"

Edward made an impatient noise, which sounded like a squirrel getting angry. "No, she's half human. Bella had her before she became a vampire."

"Messing around with human girls, huh? You sly dog you!" I nudged him in the ribs, resulting in a bruised elbow. He rolled his eyes and began to clear up the mess of scraps, sauce and plates that had previously been my lunch. Before he did so though, he donned his much-loved frilly apron.

I could say something, but it would be too easy.

"So," I mused, as I rubbed my elbow. "A vampire and a human. How does _that_ work?"

"Ah…pretty much the regular way."

"Someone's a playah!"

"Stop that."

"Seriously though, Bella had a half vampire in her for nine-months? Creepy. Well, okay, that's your daughter I'm talking about, so not-creepy. Let's say…eerie."

"Well, actually she only carried Renesmee for about two weeks or so."

"_Two weeks_?"

"Give or take."

"Give or take _what_? Your _sanity_??"

"No," said Edward impatiently, flinging down a dish-cloth and sitting opposite me. "It works like this. Say if you and I had procreated- What's the matter?"

"I just threw up a little into my mouth."

Edward made a noise which he made a lot when he was around me. I hadn't figured out what it meant yet, but I didn't think it was a good thing. "Fine. You and Jasper."

"Now _that's_ more like it!"

Raised eyebrows. "You find _Jasper_ more attractive then me?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

"You would be more willing to procreate with Jasper?"

"Yes I would. In fact, I think the scientific term we're searching for here is 'I would totally tap that'."

"Please stop."

"_Hard_."

"Seriously stop. I'm getting mental images from you that are beyond disturbing."

"Sure vampire lovin' would be a little rough, but like the Lady says, 'if it isn't rough it isn't fun'! Am I right? Am I right? Edward, am I right? I'm right, aren't-- Hey, where ya goin'? Come back! I'll stop, I swear!"

After Edward had returned and erased all of my projected thoughts from his brain, (He called it the equivalent of a mental bleaching- removes smut and dirt) he continued with his fascinating tale of vampiric pregnancy.

"The creation of a half-vampire is quite fascinating when you get down to the intrinsic biological details of the process. You see, a vampire's gene structure is-"

"Headache now."

He made the noise. "You should want to know this! What if you and Nicholas decide to-"

"Whoooooaaaah there Silver!" I waved my arms in a panicked manner, and nearly fell off the counter. "For the sake of all my undigested food, _don't go there_!"

"I can't understand why you're so unforgiving of him. He's clearly making the ultimate sacrifice to win your love. You're the first human in over four hundred years to make him even consider his ways, let alone attempt to give them up entirely. He is noble and loyal. I don't think you appreciate him."

"Yeah well, after Carlisle and Emmett hand him his ass on a platter, then you can totally make love to him," I growled. "He has _ruined_ my _life_! Just because you and Bella got all googly the second you saw each other doesn't mean the rest of us do!!"

Then, to the utter horror of my gag-reflex, he went all googly before my very eyes.

"Ah Bella," he sighed. "It pains me every time she walks away. She is like a comet that streaks through the night, illuminating all the wonder around her, which is in turn enhanced by her beauty…"

He trailed off, still staring at nothing. I cleared my throat.

"You are such a woman. You know that, right?"

* * *

A couple of days later the sun came up, as it always did, and I was in no mood to be chirpy.

I rolled out of the small continent of softness that was my bed and stomped down the grand staircase that swept into the main hall. The windows were flung open, and the birdsong filtered in.

Stupid birds.

"Morning Anna," the Doc sang as I slouched into the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast."

"Ice-cream," I grunted. As per usual, he ignored me. Edward and Jasper were already sitting at the breakfast table, but they weren't eating, obviously. They were engaged in a serious game of chess, both of them so still that they could have been the statues they so resembled.

Man, the fun never stopped in this house. Sighing, I pulled open the fridge and saw-

"Oh my god. Oh no. Ooooh my god."

Carlisle was by my side immediately, and Jasper looked up from his game, concerned. As per usual, Edward ignored me. Bastard.

"Anna? What happened? Are you hurt?" Carlisle took me by the shoulders and peered into my wide eyes.

"We- It- It's terrible!"

"Anna, what is the matter with you?"

"We're out of _food_!"

Everyone immediately relaxed. "Of course," laughed Carlisle. "I'm sorry Anna, but we need to go shopping. We forgot about buying you more food."

Edward muttered something suspiciously like: "_I_ didn't forget."

Moodily, I kicked the side of the counter. Not smart when you're in your bare feet. I was still wearing one of Emmett's voluminous shirts as a night-dress, and hadn't changed yet.

"Ow!! Crap!!"

"You know, your intelligent actions never fail to amuse me," said Edward, with a smirky quirk of his mouth. I stuck my tongue out at him, and left the kitchen.

This _suuuuuuucks_, I thought to myself.

It was my birthday in three days and I was going to spend it with an anally-retentive bastard, a doctor who cared about my feelings a little more then I was comfortable with, a giant gorilla who was about as intelligent as the crud you sometimes get behind the fridge and Jasper.

Hey, I like Jasper.

Well, I like the Doc too, but his in-depth questions can really put a girl off her pizza. Especially when she's trying to roll it up and stuff it into her mouth all at once. Truly, you have not eaten pizza until you have eaten it like this.

Anyhoo, I was skulking around upstairs and generally throwing a moody when I heard rapid thumping noises coming my way.

I knew what that meant, and turned to run. Obviously, I was no way near quick enough.

"Oh shi-!!" Emmett rounded the corner, caught me and flung me over his shoulder. Ever since our little game of 'Toss the Anna' he had begun to think of me as his personal foot-ball, often flinging me down on the ground and screaming "TOUCHDOWN!"

I had bruises in places you wouldn't _believe_.

Of course, the Doc didn't really approve, but he reasoned that there was no other way that I would get the exercise I was getting by running from Emmett. He decided he'd put up with it as long as I never sustained any serious injuries.

I swear, helmets should be MANDATORY living here.

Emmett pounded through the house as I screamed at the top of my lungs. As he ran out into the garden I continued to shout and swear. "Put me down! _I'm not wearing anything under this shirt_!!!"

Laughing, he stopped and hauled me to the ground. I struggled up trying to salvage what was left of my dignity, hopping in my bare feet on the damp grass.

"You think I'm interested in what you've got under there?" he scoffed.

I was too busy adjusting the shirt to think of one of my usual scathing yet witty comebacks, so I just said "Go to hell!"

"I have no interest in girls!"

"Glad you're out and proud," I said distractedly, trying to make sure bits that shouldn't be revealed weren't being revealed.

"I," he said proudly. "Am married."

I stopped, and looked at him. "Really? Someone actually married _you_?"

"Yup," he said proudly, completely not getting it. "Her name is Rosalie."

"Woah, _woah_," I said, raising my hands as I realised what this meant. "There's _more_ of you??"

Edward and Jasper had wandered out, so I turned on them. "Why didn't you mention this Rosalie person?!"

Simultaneously, they both winced.

"There goes my buzz," moaned Jasper, and we all immediately felt down. His stupid mood-controlling thingy.

"We try not to mention her wherever possible," said Edward, as if he was in pain.

"Hey!" said Emmett, but no one was listening to him. If you listened to Emmett for too long, there was a chance you'd end up slightly less intelligent then when you started.

"What's wrong with her?"

"You know the way that a vampire is frozen in the form they were in when they were changed? Like, they're changeless through time?"

"Of course," I lied.

"Well," said Jasper carefully. "We're pretty sure that Rosalie was changed slap bang in the middle of a certain time during the month."

"Ahaha! Wait… no."

"Yeah," said Edward, nodding. "Imagine putting up with _that_ for the last centaury and a half."

"Guys, stop ragging about my wife," whined Emmett, his forehead crinkling up with the effort of thought. "She's totally awesome."

"Yeah, to _you_," said Jasper. "Because you do everything she orders you to."

"Uh, isn't that what wives are for?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Note to self: Keep Bella away from Emmett."

"What about you," I said, poking Jasper's rock hard shoulder. "Don't tell me _you're_ married as well."

"No, actually I'm not. Myself and Alice…we're just waiting until the time feels right."

I nodded wisely. "I getcha. You don't want to rush into things. How long have you guys been dating?"

"Uh, well, about twenty years, I guess."

In the silence that followed, Edward had a cough that sounded suspiciously like _'commitmentphobe!_'

"I am not a commitmentphobe!" snapped Jasper. "I'm just not a total weirdo who decides that a girl is his soul mate three seconds after he meets her!"

"Bella _is_ my soul-mate!!"

"Man, what is it with you vampires and soul-mates…"

Emmett looked confused. "What're we talking about?"

"Commitmentphobe!"

I got hand it to them, those guys may be vampires with enough strength to pulverise a truck, but it seems that they're brothers first. Or something. Anyway, what I mean is that they never _actually_ started fighting. As I wandered back into the house to change my clothes, they were standing five feet apart, yelling at each other at the top of their lungs.

Well, Edward and Jasper were yelling at each other.

Emmett was just happily yelling.

Seriously, what is wrong with him?

* * *

"Whaddup mah vampire bitches!" Later in the evening, I cheerily sauntered into one of the large living rooms in the house. The Doc was reading a newspaper and Edward was perusing a book.

"Don't call us that," he said sulkily.

"What? You _are_ vampires!"

"I think he was referring to the, ah, 'bitches' part of the sentence," said Carlisle mildly.

"But you _are_-"

"Anna…." said a voice as a warning. I stopped. When the Doc throws down, you just KNOW you did something wrong.

I flopped onto the couch beside him. I was in a better mood this evening as I had just beaten my top-score on Mario Karts.

Edward groaned. "Please stop singing that annoying theme tune in your head."

"Righty-oh."

"Pictures of me in a dress now? Can you get any more juvenile?"

"Well, if you want the 'you making out with Jasper' portfolio-"

"Enough!" With much agitated rustling, Carlisle closed his paper. "Why is it never quiet when you're around?"

"He started it!" I complained. "How'm I supposed to stop singing in my _head_!?"

Carlisle nodded. "Of course. Edward, you should have remembered that Anna isn't used to that."

"What?!"

I stuck my tongue out at him while Carlisle was putting his paper away.

"Bleeh!"

With a roar, he pounced and probably would have ripped my lovely pink and purple guts out if Carlisle hadn't extended a super-fast arm and stopped him.

"Edward!" he said, shocked. " Calm yourself! I know she's annoying-" he stopped, and closed his eyes. "I mean, I know it's frustrating living with someone who- who is-"

"Annoying?" I suggested from my frozen, cowering position on the couch, not taking my eyes off of the raging vampire in front of me.

"Yes- I mean, no! _Look_, I hope you're not going to act like this when the werewolves come!"

I perked up.

"Someone say _werewolves_?"


	4. Sammiches and Junk

**DATE**** 21****st****/6****th**

Wooot!

Werewolves!

Birthday party!

THIS PLACE GOT FINALLY INTERESTING!!!

* * *

So mid-afternoon when I sat down at the dinner table.

"Heeeey Eeedwaaaard."

"Go away."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Go away."

"Reading the newspaper huh? That's cool. Want me to get you a pipe?"

"Go away."

There was a low chuckle from my left. Jasper was building a model aeroplane. These vamps spend A LOT of time doing stuff that I would consider a waste of time because they totally have the time to waste.

Try saying that three times really really fast while drunk.

I turned my attention back to Edward.

"So, I've been thinking."

"I've had nightmares that start like this."

I put on my innocent face. "I've been really good this week, and I think that I deserve to meet up with all the wolfy people."

Edward put down the paper. "Really good? You think you've been good?"

"Yes'm."

"And all your X-Men figurines just broke themselves did they?"

"Oh c'mon. Bits still move."

"Yes, but not the bits that are _supposed_ to move. We bought those for you and you played with them for two hours, tops."

"Well," said Jasper, as he painstakingly glued a tiny thing to another tiny thing. "If you take her attention span into account, I guess two hours _is_ kinda long."

"See!" I pointed to myself. "_Good_."

"Let me think about it…no."

"Awwwww c'moooooon!!"

"Oh yes that'll work. What being can resist the siren song of awww c'mooooon?"

"C'm_oooooooooooooon_!!!!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "They make medication for people like you, you know. It could help."

"Nah. Tried it."

"Better living through chemistry?"

"Yeah, my folks had me on every behaviour controlling drug on the market."

Carlisle chose that moment to enter. "Really?" he asked interestedly. "Which ones?"

"Uh, lessee. Methylphenidate, cyproterone, propranalol, inderal, tenormin, atenalol and azumarill."

"Azumarill?"

"Yeah."

The Doc looked pained. "That," he said, "is not a drug."

"It isn't?"

"It's a Pokémon."

"Oh. Well not that one then. But the others."

Jasper paused. "Your parents had you on all those?"

"Mom used to call them my happy pills. Me taking them made her happy!"

"Well, now that Carlisle is here, you can ask him and stop being inhumanely annoy-" Edward stopped and got this insane expression of hope on his face. "Hey, wait. Carlisle, could we _get_ some of those drugs?"

"What did you want to ask me?" said the Doc, ignoring him.

"I want to meet the werewolves."

"-no, I'm serious, we can just dose her up a little-"

"Well, I don't see why not. You've been very good this week."

"I _have_ haven't I!?"

"We could mix a little into her dinner-"

"All right then, that's settled. You can sit in for the boundary commission meeting."

"Yaaaaay!"

"-I'm just suggesting it for the good of the household."

"We are not drugging Anna, Edward."

"Damn."

* * *

Carlisle is a total Mother.

I mean, seriously.

We all standing outside, were waiting for the werewolf envoy to arrive and what was he doing?

Yup, the old 'spitting on a tissue to rub away dirt' bit.

"Get ooooooff!" I said, waving my arms.

"Anna, you have to look presentable!"

"Aaaargh, I am so sick of all your rules! 'Do this! Remember that! Don't put that in your mouth!'"

"I'm going to choose not to enquire after that last one," said Jasper.

"Anna," the Doc said, patiently. "You have to look like we're taking good care of you. Having a human here could violate the truce."

"So there'd be a vampire werewolf war?? Oh that'd be SO FRICKIN'-" I saw his face. "TERRIBLE! Is what I was going to say! Not awesome! Not awesome _at all_!"

"Good. Anyway, they might suspect we're going to try and change you into a vampire, so we just have to look like you're not being kept here against your will and affirm that you're not becoming one of us."

"Damn straight. But, uh, newsflash Doc. I AM being kept here against my will."

Emmett chuckled. "Fine. We'll let you go then. Back to the warm arms of your loving family who provide no defence against an enraged vampire attack in any way whatsoever and will be ripped apart in soft sprays of blood and warm flesh."

"You know what? I love you guys. Don't ever, ever leave me, 'kay?"

Carlisle took a step back. "Does she look okay to you Edward?"

Anal-boy looked up from his nails. "About as okay as a retarded monkey can be."

"I hate you."

I had to admit, I was looking less then my best. My normal clothes were in the wash, and I downright REFUSED to wear any female vampire clothes (skinny bitches), so I was donned in a weird time-combo of Jasper's. It was kinda rapper meets pirate, with baggy pants and a large shirt.

"I was going through a phase," Jasper said apologetically.

"I'm glad you've put your brief foray into homosexuality behind you."

"Shuttup!" hissed Carlisle. "They're here!"

They were.

I watched in freaking _awe_ as the giant wolves padded out of the forest and into the clearing. They were as tall as I was, and muscles rippled with every step. I was starting to feel very, very human…

Except when they turned into dudes. Then I just felt like a girl staring at a bunch of nekkid' guys.

"DUDE! NOT COOL!" one of them yelled, trying to cover his manly bits. "You said all the girls were away!!!"

"How did we know you'd take this opportunity to strut around in the nude?" enquired Edward.

"Ah," I said knowingly. "So you're a dick to EVERY species."

One of the werewolves walked forward, making no attempt to cover his dangly bits at all. He leaned in and sniffed my hair, looking very suspicious.

I shrieked. "I need an adult! I need an adult!"

He leaned away. "She's _human_," he said accusingly to Carlisle.

"That's right Sam," said Carlisle soothingly. "Anna is a guest here, for a little while. We're taking good care of her."

"Human? Really? For how long?" Everyone heard the hidden question behind the question. They weren't just asking about how long I'd be staying there, they were asking…

"No one," I said firmly. "Is. Making. Me. A. Vampire."

They looked at me.

Silence.

"Uh. And you're all naked," I added. "Just saying. Didn't like to bring it up, but I can totally see your junk… Whatever, it's cool."

* * *

So I wasn't allowed into the conference room. I didn't really care, to be honest. I had seen them go from wolf to dude, and that was all I really wanted to see.

Seeing their junk was just an unexpected bonus.

So I sat at the dining-room table, irritably bouncing a bouncy ball on the sleek mahogany surface.

"Hey."

I looked up and lo and behold, it was one of the wolf-boys.

"Hey. I saw you naaaaaaaked."

He hitched up the sheet he was wearing around his waist higher"Thanks. That completely puts me at my ease."

"Hah. So why aren't you in there?"

He leaned over and took the ball. "Pfff. Boring."

"I know, right?! Cool morphing, BTW"

"Thanks…are these vampires really taking good care of you?"

"Yeah man, totally. Don't worry, I get it. Carlisle told me about the war between you guys. Of course I had to be all 'Oh, that would be very serious and awful' because I had to be all sensible but seriously inside I was like 'THAT WOULD BE THE COOLEST THING EVER'"

"Really?"

"No seriously, think about it!"

"Actually, I guess that would be pretty cool…"

"It would be super cool!! Actually, I thing they made a movie like that… underground, or something…"

"Cool, yeah and it could be all like 'Graaah! We are the LYCANS!' and they'd be all like 'Back werewolves! We have pointy teeth!' and then we'd rip the shred outta them and be like 'Graaah graaah graaah'!!

"Dude, that'd be EPIC!!"

"Man, I'm really hungry. There anything for eating around here?"

I stared at this wolf-boy, aware I was looking at at a kindred spirit.

I slung my arm around his ridiculously broad shoulders. "This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship."

"…oh-kay…?"

* * *

Later, Edward found me munching on the snacks he had prepared for the guests. He had cut up all these teeny-tiny little sandwiches and cheese and grapes on sticks and things.

Seriously, I was major embarrassed when it came to offering wolf-boy (whose name is Jacob, apparently) food. There was nada for eating except this stuff. He had gone to the bathroom, and I stood there, sadly staring at the poor food.

Everything was very fancy.

Unfortunately, everything was also very small, so at that moment I was in the process of stuffing three tiny sandwiches, a mini quiche and some sort of roll into my mouth at once.

"Ugh," said Edward.

"Don't judge!" I replied.

Well, actually I think I said something more along the lines of "Mph Mmpphm!"

"Absolutely disgusting," said Edward calmly.

I swallowed hard. "I'm staaaarving!" I whined. "I thought you guys were gonna get more food for me! _Real_ food, not this crap!"

"Actually, you're right-"

"AHA!!"

Edward ground his teeth. "This is actually too small. I forgot that werewolves eat more then the average human."

"But I'd eat more then this!!"

"I said the _average_ human. _You_ are some sort of masticating machine."

I nodded. "Point taken. So you- what's that?"

He was putting a large box onto the table, and whipped off the cover.

Inside were the most meat-filled, dripping, aromatic-

"SAMMICHES!!"

"What?"

I ignored him and grabbed one, moaning with the sort of pleasure that only mayonnaise can provide as I sunk my teeth into it.

"Aw yeeeah! You know I hate you-"

"I'm aware."

"But I gotta tell you man, you make a goooood sammich."

"What did you say?"

"Just saying you make a good sammich. Can't you take a compliment?"

"Sandwich."

"Yeah. You make a good sammich." I was starting to think he'd lost it.

"No, _sandwich_."

Yes, you make a good sammich! That's what I said!"

Edward opened his mouth to scream.

Jacob walked in. "Hey, sammiches!"

Edward put his head in his hands. "And so begins another episode which will test the encumbrance of my sanity…"

Jacob waved a sandwich at him. "What's the matter with him?"

I shrugged, my face covered in chicken-tikka sauce. "It's probably his period or something."

Jacob started laughing so hard he began to choke on a crust.

"Delightful," hissed Edward, walking towards him. "Now I have to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on a _dog_."

I watched interestedly as he did just that, and at the wet lump of bread that came flying out of Jacobs mouth.

It went splat onto the glass doors, behind which the boundary commission was in full swing.

The murmured talking stopped.

We all held our breath.

Then it started up again and we sighed in relief.

"Now quit being so _stupid_," Edward snapped.

"Jeez, calm down," Jacob said easily. "I wasn't going to _die_ or anything."

"You might have. And I would have happily let you choke to your sorry death on the ground were it not for the fact that I would have some explaining to do to Renesmee."

I interjected here. No point in eavesdropping on an argument if you don't know what it's about.

"Renesmee is the freaky baby right? What, are you here favourite uncle Jacob, or something?"

Jacob opened his mouth, but Edward shook his head. "Don't. She had a panic attack when she heard I was a father. I'd imagine she'd go nuclear if she knew-"

Jacob nodded. "Got it."

"What?? What??" I whipped my head from side to side looking at them both. "What's going on? What aren't you telling me??"

"Well, if we told you, then we wouldn't be not telling you," Jacob said in a reasonable tone of voice.

I fumed, and was just about to start yelling when… the glass doors opened.

"Well," Carlisle said cheerfully, clapping his hand together in a very satisfied manner. "That's that!"

I refrained from yelling, merely because I wanted to say:

"Whaddup werewolf bitches?"

"I told you to stop saying that!" snapped Edward.

"But they are werewolves!"

"No, _bitches_!"

"But they are bi-"

"Stop it!"  
Then one of the younger vampires put up his hand. "Um. Actually technically Leah could be a-"

"Shut up Seth!" snapped their leader, whose name I forget. "Thank you for your hospitality Carlisle. We'll be on our way now."

"Aw, you're leaving already!" I exclaimed to Jacob.

"Yup! Sorry, I'd hang out for longer but you stink of vampire."

"Yeah, I guess I probably do. Also, I haven't showered in a while. Fact."

He laughed and then picked me up in a bear-hug that could crack ribs.

"Glerck!" God_damn_ what was with these guys and tallness??

Edward watched sourly and added: "By the way, you can keep the sheet," referring to Jacob's current mode of clothing.

"Nah, it's cool," he said, setting me down. "I'll give it back."

"If you like. I'll only burn it."

"Rude bastard."

"He _is_ isn't he," I agreed. "Aaaggh! No!! My sammich!!" Upon hearing my agreement as to his parental status, Edward had used his freaky vampire skillage to both rob my sandwich and cover over the box-full of sandwiches, much to the chagrin of the younger werewolves who had been laying into.

"You don't like me, you don't like my cooking," he smirked.

"Dude, I will make _love_ to you if you'll just uncover the sandwiches again," one of the werewolves said fervently.

"Now's your chance Edward!" I said enthusiastically. "Get in there!!"

"Take your rage out on Anna," Jasper advised, as Edward began to seethe. "Don't take it out on those innocent sandwiches."

Still furious, he dumped the sandwich and the box back onto the table. The boys howled (literally) with delight and began to feast once more.

"Take your rage out on Anna?" I asked Jasper incredulously. "What am I, a vampy rag-doll?"

Just then, the werewolf leader who had been conversing with Carlisle, clapped his hands. "All right guys, lets go!"

Moaning and groaning, they filed out, their arms piled high with food.

"Well?" Edward asked Carlisle. "What did I miss while getting food?"

"Yeah, what was this about?" I asked.

Edward turned to me. "Anna, let the grown-ups talk now, okay?"

"Aaaargh, I hate you!!"

I turned on my heel and stormed out of the room, up the stairs and threw myself onto a bed that had been bought for the very occasion of my coming to this house.

I screamed in rage into the pillow for a while and then I felt better.

Then, there was a tentative knock on the door.

"Anna?" Carlisle poked his head in. "Are you all right."

"No," I said moodily, head still under pillow.

He came over and sat beside me on the bed. "What's wrong?"

I came up for air. "Seriously?? _Seriously_?!?"

And so it began.

I ranted about the fact that I had been kidnapped, that there was no food, that I had no clothes, Edward, that I missed my parents, no one ever told me anything, I missed my friends, I was missing out on _life_…

"And," I finished twenty minutes later, "Did I mention? A deranged vampire is _going to kill me_."

"Anna," Carlisle said soothingly, "No one is going to kill you."

"When I die, I am so saying I told you so."

"Look, I'll fix the things I can fix, like the food. I'm afraid clothes might be a bit difficult until the girls come back though."

"Why?"

"Can you imagine Edward going into Forks and buying women's clothing?"

"Yes."

"Uh…bad example. Look, If you just accept your situation, I'm sure you'll relax into this new lifestyle. We don't know how long you're going to be here for."

"Yeah. Cuz I'm going to die."

"You're not going to die."

"70% of stalkers kill their victims."

"No they don't."

"I know this stuff. I checked online."

"_Anna_…" Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked like he was counting to ten. "I know this situation hasn't been very fair to you. Is there any way we can make it better."

"Well…"

"Any way that doesn't involve gratuitous violence towards Edward."

"Well, why didn't you _say_-"

"it's your birthday the day after tomorrow isn't it?"

I nodded cautiously. "Yeah. If my parents weren't all voodoo-fied no doubt the tearful appeals to bring home their daughter would be intensified right around now. Why?"

Carlisle rubbed his chin. "Well…what would you say if… All right, lets say _hypothetically_ that I say you can have a party. What would you think of that?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Does 'hypothetically' mean 'on toast'?"

"You could have a little party, just you and the boys…" he trailed off when he saw the look on my face. "What?"

"I can't help thinking that that sounds kind of like… _every other day in this house!!"_

"Well, I saw you talking to Jacob. You could invite him."

"Oohh could I?"

"Absolutely. And I'm going away tomorrow morning to a conference for three days, so I wouldn't be 'cramping your style'."

Seriously, he actually did air-quote signs.

"Don't worry Doc, if anyone does that it's Edward. He cramps style so hard it thinks it's met its anti-matter equivalent."

Carlisle frowned. "Maybe it's not such a good idea to leave you two without supervision…"

"Jasper and Emmett can supervise us!"

We both thought about this.

"Jasper can supervise us!"

"Well, I suppose. Can I trust you not to provoke Edward into disembowelling you?"

"Well, you know my motto."

"What is it?"

"When in doubt, set something on fire."

Carlisle stared.

"I'm kidding. It's actually W.W.C.N.D. What Would Chuck Norris Do?"

"Ah, I see," said Carlisle cautiously, getting to his feet. "I'll ask the others what they think of the party idea."

I scrambled off the bed that was like a bazillion miles high. "Ooooh!! PARTY!!"

"Party the day after tomorrow," corrected Carlisle.

"Sure," I agreed, dancing along beside him.

* * *

"A party?" said Edward. "Yes, because _that's_ a good idea."

"PAR-TAY" bellowed Emmett, ripping off his shirt and swinging it over his head. We all carefully ignored him.

"Actually," said Jasper thoughtfully, "I think it is a good idea. It _is_ her birthday, after all."

I nodded. "Yes, it is my birthday. That was good idea you just had there. A good idea about a good idea. You're very smart Jasper. I've always said that about you. I'd be talking to someone and then I'd say: 'Why, do you know of Jasper Cullen? Yes, he's very smart you know, very smart indeed-'"

"But if you agree to this," Carlisle interrupted. "The you need to organise it. I won't be here, remember?"

"Damn," said Edward irritably. "The conference."

"That's fine," said Jasper. "I mean, how hard can it be?"

"I want cake," I warned.

"I gathered."

"A _big_ one."

"I'll do my best."

"Good," said Carlisle happily. "That's sorted then!"

"I also want presents!!!"

"I'll tell you what," said Edward. "My gift to you will be the continuation of your pitiful existence."

"If that's not a video-game then I don't want it."

* * *

So there you have it!

Werewolves AND a party!

Woooooo!!!


	5. The Mystical Sandwich Stall of Forks

_**A/N**__ Before you start this, you might be thinking to yourselves 'Gosh, they're going into Forks! This could be the perfect opportunity to bump into Bella's school chums, and possibly a parent! Oooh the high-jinks that will ensue!!'_

_And to that I say: No._

_Just… just no._

* * *

So.

We had waved Carlisle away as he sped off to his conference, and entire day had passed without Edward tearing me into messy shreds.

However, Emmett had accidentally fallen over and taken down the entire living room wall and Jasper had made plans to start his own vampire pornography business.

All in all, a very uneventful Tuesday.

BUT ON WEDNESDAY!!!

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I ran down the stairs and burst into the kitchen, flinging my arms up in ecstatic joy.

"BEHOLD!" I screamed.

"Oh, that can't be good," said Edward, burying his face in his hands.

"Nineteen years ago, a great event occurred-"

"Is she actually doing monologue on her birth?" asked Jasper.

"Yep."

"- and then, well some might even call it A MIRICLE!! The doctors GASPED- "

"Are you regretting your agreement to organize the party yet?"

"I'm getting there."

"- we can only wonder at such an event! And now, all over the world people can celebrate this wondrous occasion, which I like to call, dare I say it, _Christmas in June_!!!!"

"Marvelous," said Edward, turning back to his paper.

"Awe-inspiring," said Jasper, working on his magazine's web-site.

You could have harvested the sarcasm and sold it in little jars.

"That's it?? Guys, it's my birthday!!"

"Oh, right," said Jasper. "Happy Birthday."

"_Thank_ you."

There was a silence as we both looked at Edward.

He looked up.

"What?"

Bastard.

"Jasper, when are we going into town to get stuff?"

"Soon. I just gotta finish this up."

"How long is that going to take??"

"A while. Now shoo, shoo. I promise we'll be ready in time for your birthday party."

"That reminds me. I want to invite Jacob. How can I tell him so he'll get here in time for festivities and jello-shots?"

"You want to invite the dog?" said Edward disbelievingly. "You're telling me, that not only do I have to put up with that moron the entire time, but now Renesmee is out of town I _still_ can't get any peace??"

"Why, yes. That is what I'm telling you."

Muttering angrily, Edward got up to make my breakfast. He didn't want to, but 'Feeding the Anna' was one of his jobs while Carlisle was gone. He had forgotten to feed me yesterday and there had been no _end_ to my whining.

"So come on you guys, do you have a telephone number or something?"

"Well, vampires aren't actually allowed on the reservation," Jasper said, carefully air-brushing a largely flesh-dominated picture that I was trying not to look at. "So I guess we'll _have_ to call him."

"This is a social gathering," said Edward, carefully pouring out precious, precious coffee. "We should send him a written invitation. I believe I actually have just the stationary. It's a light cream colour embossed in gold."

"Oh emm freakin' gee," I said, marvelling at his anal-ness.

"Oh dear lord." Edward looked pained. "She's so inaugurated into the mass youth-culture of today, she can't even form recognisable sentences. Why, I remember when we used to speak so eloquently it was akin to speaking poetry, and we would write in the most beautiful copperplate-"

He stopped suddenly as I issued a slap across the face.

"I'm sorry," I said sounding honestly apologetic. "I am so sorry. But you were sounding too gay for words"

"But I-"

"No seriously. That was actually gayer then two men having consensual gay-sex. It was THAT GAY."

"That was pretty gay," agreed Jasper, not looking up from the photo of two pale women in corsets being-er, intimate.

"Right, well if you're not finished with that stupid magazine in an hour, I am going to throw down Jasper, do you understand?"

"Sure. I'd also advise you to run."

"Why?"

"Edward is currently in a state of shock and Carlisle will be pissed if he discovers that I let him eviscerate you."

"Yes," I said, eyeing the frozen, horrified Edward nervously, "but you're not _supposed_ to let him eviscerate me."

Jasper gestured towards the screen. "Eh, _busy_?"

"Right then. I'll just- er, I'm just going to- um…"

I fled.

* * *

Edward caught up with me in the computer room, where I was hiding under a desk.

He reached under, grabbed the back of my shirt, pulled me out with one hand and held me up to his face.

"Ahahah! Okay, now I'll seek and you hide!!!"

"I-" he paused. "What?"

" Aaagh I'm choking!" I flailed madly in mid-air trying to loosen the edge of the collar under my throat.

Edward dropped me.

"I swear, you have the attention span _of a squirrel,_" he sighed. "How am I supposed to beat a squirrel to a pulp?"

I wasn't listening anymore. I was climbing in front of the computer. "Ohhh I wonder if anyone from my normal life has tried to get in contact with me! Damn, I'd love to find out…"

"What, you mean you haven't looked before? I thought Emmett set you up with your own account… Yes he did, see? You can just log in and check your e-mail."

"I would but I forgot my password!!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Well, that's not a big deal. People forget their passwords all the time. That's why they make you set up a top-secret question."

"Oh, I set up a top secret question all right. I set up some deep, meaningful Zen shit, and now I can't remember the answer."

I clicked on my logo on the screen Edward leaned over to read the question.

"'What is delicious?'" he read aloud.

"What _is_ delicious? It's a valid line of enquiry."

"Hm, I never thought of it before, but I guess that _is_ kind of Zen," Edward said thoughtfully. "I mean, what does it _mean_ to be delicious? Can something untasteable possess a flavour that is meta-tastual? Could then, an _idea_ be delicious? But maybe I'm going in the wrong way about this. What if it's not a question at all? What if it were a statement? Perhaps the word _what_ is, itself, delicious. Inquiry itself is what tingles upon the taste buds of the mind. Which is to say –"

"Oh no, I remember now. It's candy. Candy is delicious."

The silence which followed somehow managed to be very expressive.

"Someday, I will choke you," he said finally.

"I await that day with baited breath," I replied. "Now go away, I want to read private and amazing e-mails."

He did.

And I did.

The e-mails were mostly from my parents hoping I was having a good time with my 'boyfriend'. Actually, they seemed to be kind of confused on the subject about where I actually was, so in one e-mail I was told to have a good time on the rides, watch out for bears, wrap-up warm in the snow and to make sure my snorkeling mask was affixed properly.

Well, that sounded like a magical holiday.

Added to this, were a couple of e-mails from my friends wondering where the hell I was and why, when the enquired after my well-being, my dad told them I would be 'home before twelve'.

One of my friends, Yuki, typed a very heart-felt e-mail which elaborated upon the fact that he was now 100% sure that my parents had killed me in a fit of madness and were now desperately blocking that fact by convincing themselves that I would be home any minute now. Basically, he was going to the cops if I didn't show up in the next 24 hours.

Uh-oh. Cursing myself for not checking my e-mail sooner, I hastily typed out a description of my holiday in… Borogschlavik… which is over-run with bears, where it snows all the time, where there's a massive theme-park and snorkeling is the national sport.

There. Phew.

Done.

And…

Bored now.

When Jasper came to find me around two hours later, he was a little startled to find that he had to wad through pile upon pile of paper to get to me.

"There you are!" I exclaimed. "You need to get some more ink-cartridges."

"What is all this shit?!"

"The Web."

"Which web??"

"The _Internet_ web."

"Wha- the whole thing?!"

"No, I'm at _B_! You _ran out of ink_!! Look we just went through this!!"

"Why the HELL would you print out the whole internet?!?"

"Because I am BORED!! When are we GOING??"

"NOW!!!"

"Oh…okay then."

* * *

Muttering angry things about destroying the rain forest, Jasper pushed me in the direction of the garage while simultaneously scooping up paper.

"Gimme a minute to clear this up. Emmett's in there."

"Coolio!" I pushed in the door and…

Walked into a mechanics wet-dream.

I'm serious, I'm not even into cars, and still I was moved to tears by row upon row of shiny, shiny beauty.

"Heya, short-stuff!" Emmett rolled out from under a jeep he was holding up with one hand. "Going to get party gear?"

"Yep." I leaned against a motor-bike, contriving to look as bad-ass as possible. "This place is going to be party-central tonight."

"Right. Uh, how many people are coming again?"

"Shut up."

"Hey, y'wanna hear a secret!?"

I squinted suspiciously at him. Knowing Emmett, this could only kill more brain cells. "All right…"

"Okay, but it's a big secret, so I'm going to have to tell you in code, and you're going to have to work it out yourself, okay?"

"Oh…kay…"

"All right. Here goes. Are you listening? Some _wampires_ named the _wullens_ have gotten you a kick-ass _wesent _for your_ wirthday_!!"

"Uh huh."

"Did you hear that?"

"I heard it."

"Think about it for a while. You're going to have to crack it. You just sit there and try and figure out my secret code."

"Yeah that'll take me all night. You're like the goddamn Riddler."

Thankfully, Jasper chose that moment to enter.

"All right, you ready to go into town?"

"I thought Anna wasn't allowed leave the house?" Emmett said suddenly.

I kicked him.

And possibly broke a toe.

"Oh it'll be fine," scoffed Jasper, as I rolled around the ground in acute agony. "I'll be there, and it's not like Nicholas is lurking in the bushes."

"Also I need clothes!" I added from my prone position on the ground, still writhing in pain. "Aaargh aaargh aaaargh aaaargh…."

"That too," agreed Jasper. "Anyway, we'd want to-"

He looked down at me.

"Uh. Anna…are you…are you crying?"

"A LITTLE BIT!"

Ten minutes later, I had an ice-pack on my foot, and Jasper was showing me the sweet ride we'd be using to get into town.

He pulled a huge sheet off a very shiny shape, drooling over it like it was…I dunno, insert your own inappropriate metaphor here.

"_This_," he said proudly, "Is the MEX 360 point 10. Turbo engines. On of the fastest in its range. Personally, I like to call it the _Puma_."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because MEX 360 point 10 is too long to say, you know? Also it's sleek and sexy."

"No, I mean why did you name it after a shoe company?"

"A puma is a large cat, like a lion!"

Silence

"You're making that up," said Emmett suspiciously.

"Yeah, stop making up animals Jasper."

"What? No, see look, I could have called it something else because the grill here looks like tusks, but puma sounds more-"

"What kind of animal has tusks?"

"Well…a warthog."

"Didn't she just tell you to stop making stuff up? What's the next car going to be called, Big-foot? Y'wanna call the next car Big-foot Jasper? Or how about- Hey, Anna, what's that one that's half eagle half lion?"

"A griffin," I supplied helpfully.

"Y'wanna call it a griffin?? Huh??"

"Will you stop encouraging him?" Jasper said irritably to me. "He doesn't need your help to make an ass of himself."

"Well, unless anyone has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the car, can we _please_ go into town now??"

"_Christ_ yes. Come on, get in the car."

"I CALL SHOTGUN!!"

"Anna, I'm driving. There's no one else in the car. You get to sit shotgun anyway."

"Yeah, but I CALLED it!!"

I limped into the car, and Jasper started it up, its engine revving. It sounded like it was purring, like a… like a… some sort of large cat-like animal, I guess.

With Emmett waving us goodbye, we drove out of the garage, down the avenue and onto the questionable road leading to town.

After a while, the silence began to give me a headache.

"Let's play a game."

"Let's not."

"Let's play twenty questions!"

"Oh joy."

"All right, I'll go first."

Sighing, Jasper shrugged. "Fine. Is it bigger then a breadbox?"

"Yes."

"Is it a person?"

"Yes."

"Is it Batman?"

"Shit. I mean, no, no it's not Batman."

"You can't change it."

"I'm not changing it!"

"Then why'd you say shit?"

"I don't know, all right?! Just…just keep guessing."

"Is it Spider-man?"

"Shit!"

"Never chose things on the basis of what's on your underwear."

"Yeah, you only _wish_ you had batman underwear!!"

"That's neither here nor there- wait a second."

Jasper leaned forward in his seat and tapped something on the dashboard.

"Ah, crap."

"What? Oooh! You broke it!"

"Yes Anna. I broke _the car_. No, the sat-nav is broken. That's annoying."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! I'll be the sat-nav!"

"For the love of- Look, I don't even _need_ sat-nav, I was just commenting on the fact that it's annoying that it's _broken_."

But I was not to be deterred.

"Okay, so turn left here. No, wait. Did I say left? I meant like, half-left. Between left and right. Like straight, really. Okay, now drive in the direction of Canada."

"Anna…" said Jasper in warning tones.

"Oooh! Look at that guy with the cardboard sign! Let's pick him up!"

"We are not picking him up."

"It's cool, I know him! He can get us to town!"

"I know how to get to town! And you don't know him!"

"He's really smart. He totally knows how to get- TURN LEFT HERE!"

Jasper calmly turned right.

"What's so great about town anyway. I say we go to MEXICO. By this time tomorrow we could be doing body-shots in some Mexican hell-hole."

"Now _there's_ incentive." Jasper turned the car into a parking space and unbuckled his seat belt. "All right, you can get the food and the cake-"

"YES!"

"And I'll get the decorations. We'll meet up at the car in an hour, okay?"

"Roger that."

"Here is an emergency cell-phone. The numbers are programmed in. Don't get lost. Any man who tells you he has candy in his van is lying. Count your change. Don't eat anything on the ground."

"Jeez, thanks…"

"Maybe you should write this down."

"_I'll be fine_."

I jumped out of the car and giggled gleefully to myself as Jasper peeled off twenties into my hands.

"Don't go overboard on the food," he warned. "It's just going to be you and Jacob eating."

We both paused for a moment to let that sink in.

"Well, maybe a little overboard," he amended. "Edward is going to call Jacob to see if he'll come. Which he totally will, for there will be free food."

I nodded. "A man after my own heart."

We turned and went our separate directions, and after wandering around aimlessly for a bit, I magically came across a bakery.

A tinkling noise filled the air as I entered into delicious smelling-goodness.

I began to drool at row upon row of confectionary laid out before me…

Really, what was Jasper thinking, leaving me in charge of the cake?

I stormed up to the counter, and slammed my fist down.

"RIGHT! I want fourteen layers of-"

"Oh you must be Anna!" the lady behind the counter trilled.

"I- what?"

"You're here to pick up the cake, of course."

"Pick it up? You mean I don't get to design it??"

"No dear, that nice Jasper Cullen did all that over the phone last night. Are you enjoying your stay with the Cullens? Lovely family, I've always said. Really now, that nice doctor blah blah blah bloo blee blah blah bloo."

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what she said.

I kind of tuned out while she busied herself getting my cake (which I didn't even get to see) and asking me questions which she didn't wait for the answers for.

God_damn_ it, I wanted to design my cake!!

"There you go dear, enjoy it now!"

"Thank you."

I took the parcel and staggered out of the bakery.

Yes, it seemed good, height and weight wise, but what was the flavour?? Did it have gooey icing?? Sprinkles or nothing??

This was a nightmare!!

I staggered onward down a street until I came to a convenience store. At this point I was feeling like things were spiraling out of my control slightly, so I took this opportunity to show everyone who was boss.

Basically, I had them fill pile upon pile of white plastic bag filled with every type of edible crap under the sun.

"Lovely," I sighed, as the bus-boy crammed the last packet of Doritos in beside the doughnuts.

"Would you like me to carry these to your car?" the spotty, bespectacled youth asked, eyeing the giant crate of a cake-box in my arms.

"That'd be great! Let's take it over to the car-park."

"Which car is yours?"

"It's the one that looks like…like a big cat of some kind."

"Oh, you mean like a Puma?"

"Yeah, there you go."

We staggered over, and just as I was about to keel over under the weight of the giant cake, Jasper arrived and neatly saved it with one arm.

Of course I went sprawling to the ground, but I'm going to overlook that.

I mean, come on.

The **cake**.

He tipped the bus boy and put everything into the surprisingly spacious boot.

"Didja get lots of sparkly things?" I asked, trying to peer in vain into his shopping bags.

"Sparkly _and_ glittery," he said, as I nodded my approval.

He slammed the boot shut. "One thing left!"

"Booze!"

Jasper paused. "I was going to say soft-drinks-"

"_Booze_!!"

"Are you sure Carlisle-"

"BOOZE!!"

"I just don't-"

Then he stopped suddenly as I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled his face down to meet mine.

"_Listen_," I hissed. "I have been shoved into a mythical world which I never wanted to know about in the first place, because apparently some freaky blood-drinking stalker wants to simultaneously rape me and drain me bone dry so now I have to live with four boys one of whom has tried to kill me on three separate occasions. **AND NOW YOURE TELLING ME I CAN'T DRINK????**"

Jasper paused. "You know what? I was totally going to get booze anyway, but your speech just convinced me that it is actually the morally right thing to do."

"I love it when that happens."

* * *

The off-license in Forks is pretty well stocked for such a small town.

I only point this out because it may account for the alarmingly high number of accidents around the place during hunting season.

Just a thought.

Jasper pulled out a note-pad. "So, what. Are we talking wine here?"

I turned to him. "What does your heart tell you?"

He looked me up and down.

"Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say whiskey"

"Good call."

"A _lot_ of whiskey."

"That's my boy! Hey, can vampires get drunk??

"I- You know what? I actually don't know. You don't really think about that, y'know, what with the blood-lust and all."

" Okay, get other stuff too, on top of the whiskey and lets see if we can't get Edward to make a heartfelt confession about his sexuality."

"Yes ma'am." Jasper saluted. "Oh hey, while I do this, why don't you go get clothes?"

He shoved more money in my hands.

"Not that I have a problem with you wearing my clothes…but…uh…"

"What?"

"Are you- By any chance, are you wearing my underwear?"

"And your point is…?"

That was how I ended up wandering along in the mall in Forks, which is a pretty piss-poor mall by anyone's standards.

Like, I'm totally not a mall-rat, but seriously. Four shops and a drinking fountain is NOT a mall, people.

Then… oh wonders of wonders, I saw…

"Hey!"

"Uh, hello," said the grey-haired man.

"Does this- Do you make sandwiches at this stall?"

"Well, yeah. We're the Sandwich Stall."

"No way."

"Um. Yes."

"You mean you could make me a sandwich?"

"Yes."

"Right here?"

"Yes."

"Right _now_??"

"Do you want a sandwich right now?"

I thought about it. Sandwich…clothes. Sandwich…clothes.

"Hell to the _yeah_ I wanna sandwich!!"

Ten minutes later I was furiously dialing on my emergency cell-phone.

"Hello?" came Edward's cautious voice.

"Edward! Listen-"

"Isn't this your emergency cell-phone number?"

"Yeah but-"

"Is this an _emergency_ call?"

"Dude, this is _totally_ an emergency. Let me tell you what I'm eating here. Let me tell you about this sandwich."

"Hah, so it _is_ called a-"

"_Open faced turkey_. Dude, seriously. Thick slices of bread with…wait for it…_gravy_ all over it. They're like _flavour sponges_. There's mashed _potatoes_ in here, man! And…well there's something green on that side, I'll probably stay away from that…"

"Fantastic. Are you done?" Edward sounded pissed beyond belief.

"Dude, as a sandwich connoisseur I thought you'd wanna know! Or- wait, are you pissed because I'm ho'ing it up with some other sandwich?"

"Oh for the love of-"

"Tell your sandwiches it means nothing! NOTHING!!"

"I'm hanging up now."

He did.

I crammed the taste-explosion, and glanced at my watch.

If my mouth had not been over-flowing with gravy, I would have sworn.

I was officially out of time to get clothes, but _damn_ was it totally worth it.

* * *

_So…reviews…._

_I like reviews…_

_*cough*_


	6. Wait Is THAT THE CAKE?

So we're back in the beloved Cullen household and I'm stuffing my face while the boys decorate the house.

"It's good to be eating your sandwiches again Edward. Feels _**right**_, y'know?"

Edward was standing in the kitchen. I was sticking as close as possible to him because he seemed to be intent on making all my favourite foods. I think he thought that if he made this day a _super-happy fun-time_ for me, Carlisle would ease up on loading him with the 'mind-the-human' responsibilities.

I for one, was not about to let this happen.

As much as a hated Edward, he could cook, clean, and thanks to his sexy, sexy human girl, he knew the basic requirements of keeping a human alive. Having my needs met by Jasper and Co. would go a little something like: "So. I guess we'd better... feed you? Is that what you need? Feeding?"

Edward looked sideways at me. "Did you see the cake?"

"See it? No. Quiver helplessly as it made sweet, sweet love to my eyes? Yes."

"...I take it you like it?"

"It made me vomit laser unicorn rainbow porn."

The cake in question happened to be a three tiered, moist chocolate monstrosity, which all but groaned as it sat in its own deliciousness on the main dining table, surrounded by booze and goodies.

I was forbidden from touching it.

So I made for the bacon Edward was frying instead.

"No! Back!" He slapped the side of my head with a spatula.

"I'm helping! I'll test it!"

"Don't touch that! The bacon isn't done yet! Look, you let me take care of the bacon, and you take care of…whatever it is you do. I guess nothing."

"Hmph." Sullenly, I wandered into where Jasper and Emmett were hanging up bunting. Emmet was balanced precariously on a rocking chair while Jasper called out instructions from below. They had been at this for quite some time.

"A little to the left. A little more. NO! _No_ don't drop it, don't-!…" A long period filled only by noise followed. "…God damnit Emmett. God _damnit_."

I patted Jasper on the shoulder as he tiredly rubbed his eyes and Emmett grinned up from the wreckage of bunting and chair splinters on the floor.

"Don't worry," I told him, "copious amounts of vodka will make it fun." I pointed over to the glistening bottles on the table.

"We still don't know if vampires can get drunk," Jasper sighed, as Emmett lumbered clumsily to his feet and promptly fell to the ground with a resounding crash, feet still entangled in flags.

There was a pause.

"Get me a bottle," Jasper said grimly.

About an hour later, I persuaded Edward to let me handle sharp implements against his better judgment, and was merrily slicing up tomatoes. I was also regaling him with tales of my exploits in babysitting.

"Seriously, it's was like she turns seven and all of a sudden she's like 'time to be prone to INJURIES! LET'S DO IT!'. "

"You let the child bleed on the floor?" Edward asked, with horrified fascination.

"She had to learn her lesson."

"Was she okay?"

"Well... she learnt something, that's the main thing."

There was crashing and whooping from the dining room.

"What-" Edward looked confused and made for the door. As soon as his back was turned I scarfed some bacon.

The dining room doors opened up to reveal a haphazardly decorated room, and two swaying vampires.

"Anna!" Jasper cried. "S' no use. Alchoholol has no essect on me whatshoever!"

Emmett nodded slowly and let out a series of slurring noises that may, or may not have been attempts at speech.

You never could tell, with Emmett.

I expected Edward to blow a casket, but instead he looked vaguely amused. "How much did they drink to get that drunk?"

"I bought stuff," I told him conspiratorially. "Stuff from _Russia_."

"And the likelihood of brain damage…?"

"Likely. And vomiting. Why aren't you stopping them?"

"Oh Anna. My dear, semi-retarded Anna. You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I no longer give."

Jasper weaved over to me, waving a bottle in one hand. "Thish shtuff… iss good Anna. Ish really really good. Y'wan' some?"

"How could I say no?"

"I'm…pretty sure that stuff is used to strip paint," ventured Edward.

"HOW COULD I SAY NO?"

It may or may not have been a good thing that Vampy-Boy forbade me from ingesting any of what Jasper and Emmett had been drinking. Probably it was good. After all, it had a picture of a rhino raping an elephant on the front. That's probably not good.

I was supplied with a glass of whiskey and happily settle down to watch two drunk vampires continue to try and decorate the rom.

"Do you know- You know what would be great? If we painted like, life." Jasper got quite philosophical when he got drunk, I noticed.

"Paint life?"

"Yeah, like, life. On the _walls_. _Life_. Because, like, life is _sacred_, y'know?"

"This coming from a man who has his own vampire-porn website."

Suddenly, Emmett gripped my leg. "Dude. _Dude_. Dude."

"What?"

"Whoa. Whoooooaaaaaa."

Jasper was, by now, waving a nearly full bottle of vodka so far and wide that it was splashing everywhere. "And you know what makes _**sense**_?"

"Dude, y'stopped making sense like, five minutes ago, but go ahead you're on a roll."

"WORLD PEACE."

"Um. Yes?"

"It makes SENSE! People should DO IT. _**WHY AREN'T PEOPLE DOING IT**_?" Jasper screamed, smashing one of the many, many bottles of booze near the fire-place. In actual fact, he smashed it on Emmett's head, but as this seem to do the marble-like gorilla no harm, I didn't give it too much thought. "I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE DON'T SPEND THEIR DAYS MAKING MAD PASSIONATE LOVE ON THE STREETS!"

"… I'm just going to ignore the majority of what you just said and say 'Yeah, I can't believe it either'." I backed away into the kitchen. "Edward I've come to help."

"Please don't." He paused in the process of transferring brightly coloured cupcakes from a baking platter to a tray, a pained expression on his face.

"Jasper's freaking out!" I whined.

"He'll be fine in a minute. Let his system get used to the alcohol."

"I wanted him to stop, but I was too scared to tell him to stop because he could literally rip me in two and then have sex with one of the halves. And he would do that. Seriously. I saw that on his site. " Pause."Y'ever sort of screamed at someone with your mind?"

"Regularly," Edward said with a sigh. "Now go away."

"I'm HELPING," I insisted, my mouth full of cupcake batter.

Edward let out a sigh. "No Anna. You cannot help. That means we have to spend an extended period of time together. That is a bad thing. I may be forced to scald you or pour some kind of staining substance on your face. It won't be my choice, it's just the way things work. You do understand that, don't you?"

"…yes."

"So why don't you go back out there and pour more liver-damaging substances down your throat? I'm sure it'll be no more than an average night of debauchery for your liver anyway."

"Yeah, my liver really doesn't like me."

"Tell your liver that I can relate."

"Can't I just-"

"LISTEN, you snot nosed little- If you don't get out of my kitchen, in about three seconds your digestive system is going to be thinking "Hey! How did that boot get here! I did not eat a boot!"

I fled.

Back in the living room, Jasper had calmed down and Emmett had regained some of the use of his various limbs.

"Sorry about that," Jasper said, as he poured himself another drink. "Won't happen again. It was just the effect of alcohol on my system after around 200 years sober."

"S'ok. If you were human you'd still be like that AND you'd have died. I'd have had to deal with a dead body! Now get me one of those!"

"A dead body?"

"No, what you're drinking!"

Jasper had mixed some sort of colourful concoction of alcohol together, and it glowed with all the colours of the rainbow.

"How'd you make that?"

"I read a book on cocktails last night. I could probably make any cocktail you wanted. Like a Screaming Orgasm. They're pretty hard to do, but I'm pretty sure I could do it. Do you want me to give you a Screaming Orgasm?"

"Okay, sure. Give me a Screaming Orgasm, Jasper!"

Just then, a voice came from the front door. "Am I at the right party?" Jacob stood there, a large package in hand, looking faintly bemused.

"WOLF BOY! I saw you NAKED!" I threw myself at him, confident that with his super human strength he would catch me easily.

He could have, but he didn't. He stepped to the left and I went crashing to the ground.

"If you keep that up," he said good-humouredly, "I'm going to demand to see _you_ naked."

I peered up at him through my concussion. "Jasper can give you a screaming organism…."

Jacob looked across the room at the suddenly nervous vampire. "JASPER!" He stepped forward, arms spread wide. "Give me a hug, Jasper!"

The vampire took a step back, looking slightly uncertain about the etiquette of killing one's guests, but mainly looking very dangerous. "No."

"Hugging!" And before Jasper could make so much as a twitch, Jacob had sprinted across the room and enveloped the vampire in a rib-crushing embrace. "There, now isn't that better?"

"NO! Because not all of us are GENDER-PERPLEXED! Now get away you furry freak!" With more speed then I had ever attributed to him, Jasper squirmed his way out and fled to the far side of the room, his back pressed to the wall.

"Tch," tutted Jacob. "Not in touch with his feminine side, clearly."

I glared at the seven foot tall man-wolf from the ground. "And you are?"

He leaned over and picked me up by the collar easily. "How long do you think I can hold you up like this?"

"Let me go! I have places to be!"

"No you don't."

"I could! If I wanted to!"

He placed me gently on the ground, chuckling. "Happy birthday, weirdo," he said, pressing the package into my hands. I began to tear off the wrapping delightedly.

"NO!" came a scream to the left. "Presents are opened AFTER the cake is cut," hissed Edward, snatching the gift from my hands.

"Hey! That's MINE!"

Jacob eyed Edward with a look of extreme dislike. "Great. YOU'RE here."

"And _you're_ late."

"Sorry, I met a friend. I only have the one so it's kinda a big deal when we bump into each other." I snorted with laughter. Edward gave Jacob the death stare and then stalked back into the kitchen.

"Don't piss him off," I urged the werewolf. "He's making the food."

"Oooh he's good at that," agreed Jacob. "He needs to keep doing that."

"I'll make sure he isn't poisoning the cupcakes. I'll be back in a second. Make sure Emmett is still breathing. Don't rape Jasper."

"I'll try. No promises."

I cautiously made my way back into the kitchen, picking up a table-mat on my way to block any thrown objects of cutlery.

"Eddy? You okay in here? You still functioning?"

"Why is HE here?" Edward fumed, clanking around pots and pans like they had done him a personal disservice. "Am I dreaming? Is this an AWAKE NIGHTMARE? "

"He's my _friend_," I informed him smugly.

"Why in the infinite realities we live in, would the leader of a werewolf pack decide to become your friend?"

"Wouldn't a better question be 'why don't _**more**_ leaders of werewolf packs try to be my friend'?"

"No. No it would not."

"Well, like it or lump it, Jacob is here. And it's my birthday and Carlisle said you had to be nice to me so _nyeeeeeeh_."

That last sound was accompanied by my protruding tongue. Edward eyed it distastefully. "Lovely."

"Look, I don't even know why he bothers you!"

"Because I hate him!"

"Well, don't let it bother you! I can't even believe you have the necessary emotions…"

"I'm not a _robot_."

"Good. I HATE robots."

"Get out of my kitchen. Again." He spun me around, and, gripping both my shoulders, marched me back into the living room. There, Jasper, Emmett and Jacob were standing around the dining room table, evil grins on their faces.

"Hey, birthday girl," said Jasper. "It is your BIRTHDAY."

"I'm aware," I said cautiously, watching as Emmett poured selections from every single bottle on the table into one glass.

"That means that you have to get the most drunk," continued Jasper.

"Which means you have to DRINK THIS!" Jacob held a glass aloft. It was filled with something I could smell on the other side of the dining table, it was a dark purple-grey colour and it smoked slightly.

"We didn't think it was going to be strong enough so we used some bottles of stuff we found in the shed," confided Jasper.

"Now, as the birthday girl, she shall DRINK IT!" Jacob made for me, drink in hand, as if to force it down my throat.

"She is not drinking that!" Edward announced, grabbing the concoction away from Jacob.

"I'm really not," I agreed, watching it bubble.

"Carlisle will blame _me_ if she dies."

"It's _tradition_," Jacob insisted. "_Traditionally_, the birthday person drinks the most alcoholic, most disgusting drink. How would you guys know, you haven't had a birthday in years!"

Thrown off guard by this admittedly true statement, the vampires looked to one another with confused glances. "Maybe he's right," suggested Emmett.

"Trust me," said Jacob in assuring tones. "Her drinking this is all a part of the human cycle of life!"

"Oh _yes_, let's all listen to the man who's proposing to pickle me from the inside out," I commented. "There is no way in hell I am drinking that. Bits are _moving_!"

"C'mon Anna! MAN UP!"

"Noooo!"

After living with the Cullens for nearly four months at this point, I had honed down some of my more basic instincts.

Mainly, my now finely tuned sense of _**when to start running**_.

I sprinted out of the room, screaming like a sissy girl all the way (because I have STYLE damnit), followed closely by three vampires and a werewolf. As you imagine, it wasn't much of a chase.

"DRINK IT!" screamed Jacob as he straddled my chest. My mouth was clamped closed and Jasper and Emmett held my legs down. Edward watched on, looking faintly amused.

Bastard.

"DRINK IT!" Jacob held my nose closed, and as soon as I briefly opened my mouth to gasp in some oxygen, he forced the burning concoction down my throat. Left with no choice, I swallowed, and felt the skin peel off the walls of my throat it went down.

"Dude I think she's dying," Emmett said nervously as I rolled onto my side, trying to cough out the fire in my stomach.

"Naahhhh," Jacob said confidently. "She's fiiiiiine."

Jasper helped me to my feet and steadied me as I fought down the urge to vomit. "I am going to choke you in your sleep," I informed Jacob.

"Don't worry," he told me, "your present is really, really good."

"Really? Is it?"

"Yeah, it's like, better then the best present you ever got ever."

"Oh, I dunno man, I mean, Christmas last year? I got the boy of my dreams! ...and my friend got arrested on kidnapping charges. But maybe I should tell those two stories separately. Oh oh! AND I got the Pushing Daisies box-set! MAN that show is good!"

"…uh, I think you might be feeling the effects of the alcohol right around now."

"Nope," Edward informed him. "This is how she always talks."

"Yeah, but I guess I'll be getting drunk really soon," I said, feeling the alcohol burn in my stomach. "I mean, trying to hold your drink is hard but I haven't even had any dinner yet! This is going down on an empty stomach!"

"You've had two sandwiches, three cupcakes and some bacon," Edward informed me.

"A practically empty stomach! Seriously though, you really gotta prepare before you do serious drinking. It's no good trying to deal with the drink after you drink it. I mean, this might be a bad analogy, but it's like this: if there's a guy up on the roof of a house and he's throwing babies off, and you just barely catch the first couple of babies, it might mean that's not a very good strategy and what you really need to do is get someone to go up on the roof and get the guy down."

There was a silence

The Jasper asked me: "You ever notice how whenever you start a sentence that way, a hush falls over the area?"

"Is it because I'm the prettiest?"

"Yes Anna. That's why people stare. It's because you're the prettiest. That's why."

We moved out of the hallway back into the dining room, and I became more and more aware that I knew everything about life ever. Seriously. It was like the alcohol made thing CLEARER, YOU KNOW? I felt the urgent need to impart my wisdom with the boys, but they weren't listening, for some reason.

"Guys? Hey, you guys? What would happen if no one ever reached their life target, but they just kept placing it further and further away for the sake of 'striving for excellence'? I mean, what is striving for excellence anyway? My grade-school teacher said I should do it, but I dunno man, y'know? Sounds like you're setting up for failure. You ever watch Ninja Warrior? That show is the bomb. They have crazy, semi-impossible obstacle courses, and if a contestant passes all four stages, they win. The point is, _no one is supposed to win_! The obstacles get harder and harder to keep people from succeeding, not to hope and pray that they win... Oh wait. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's our life. _That's our life_! Oh my god, _**we are all honorary ninja warriors**_!"

As one, they patiently ignored me and steered me gently onto a chair, out of harm's way.

"Woah!" exclaimed Jacob suddenly, turning around. "That is one killer cake!"

"Yeah, Jasper got it," said Edward, prising a doughnut as big as my face out of my hands as I attempted to stuff the whole thing into my mouth. "The baker has a crush on him."

"Awesome."

"What can I say," smirked Jasper. "We got what we wanted, didn't we?"

"Yes," said Edward seriously. "We certainly got more buck for our dollar."

Everyone paused. "Um, what?" said Emmett.

"More buck for our dollar."

"Do you mean more bang for your buck?"

"Well, I thought that's what it was, but that sounds dirty. Like prostitutes or something, so I said the other thing."

"…why does your mind _always_ go straight to prostitutes?"

"Oh-KAY!" Jacob said loudly. "Not that this isn't FASCINATING, but I for one have never been around the Cullen household. Anna, give me fifteen seconds to get drunk and then give me tour."

"Fifteen seconds?"

"I drink fast."

He did drink fast. Jacob ingested one entire bottle of Jameson's whiskey in less than seven, and then proceeded to spend the next eight seconds letting it enter his bloodstream.

"Okay, let's go!"

As we left the room, I heard Edward turn to Jasper and say: "They're going to break things, aren't they."

"So many things," agreed Jasper.

"What's this?"

We were in the computer room, poking at the many, many computers the Cullens boast. We were surrounded on every side by black screens, weaving in between them with drunken care.

"It's a computer, dumbass. I have account on EVERY ONE OF THEM," I boasted proudly. "You wanna go on this one?"

"Yeah sure. Wait there's a password. You tell me the answer and I'll type it in."

"What's the question?"

"It's 'What is delicious?'"

"Oh shit man, I totally can't remember what I said."

"Yeah, that's some deep shit right there dude. I mean, that could be anything."

"Is there another option?"

"Ummm… yeah… It says 'To reset your password you will need to answer a security question.' Yeah okay, here it is. Okay, where were you were born?"

"Milwaukee"

With the slow care of a drunk, Jacob typed it in.

"Okay… Okay…Now, can you think of anywhere _else_ you might have been born?

"What?"

"It's not taking it! C'mon think, where _else_ were you born?"

After a couple of false tries, we learnt that Jacob's spelling is erratic at best, and that he should never be allowed to do anything involving words. Ever.

"Okay," I said, hands poised over the keyboard at the ready. "Whatcha wanna do?"

"Youtube! Play my hips don't lie by Shakira!"

I turned in the seat (which I had pushed him out of and commandeered) and gave him a horrified stare. "What?"

"Don't even say anything! It's my partying song, now put it on!"

"You're not going to dance to it, are you? Because that would be _haunting_."

"Just play it!"

Reluctantly, I brought up Youtube and began searching for the full song. "And you know, I don't even get that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying my nipples don't argue."

"Well, my cock never complains. Drools a lot though."

"Great. I think you just raped my brain… Woah. The screen just froze."

"Move the mouse."

"I can't it _froze_."

"Nothing's moving at all?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Oh wait-"

"HAH!"

"An error message just flashed up."

"That could be helpful."

"It says… 'Error'…."

"This is gonna be a long day, huh?"

"Look, I'm too drunk to deal with this." I moved on the swivel chair, pushing myself across the room. "This computer over here is still on! And it- IT'S LOGGED IN TO EDWARD'S ACCOUNT!"

Jacob almost choked. "_Browser history. Now. Go_."

My fingers flew as fast as the wind. "Okay here we go…. Ugh. Some history on the Swann family, whoever the hell they are."

"Bella's family," explained Jacob. "That's her second name."

"I care," I assured him. "Let's see what else we've got here- OH HOLY CRAP!"

"What! WHAT!"

"PORN! DEAR GOD IT'S EDWARD'S PORN!"

"Why? Is it freaky?"

"What constitutes-? No. I don't want to know. I have to go now. I have stabbing myself to do."

"No, come on, I mean, the guy is missing his wife."

"His whatsit?"

"His wife. Bella is his wife. Seriously, how long have you lived here?"

"You don't understand. The second worst thing that could ever possibly happen has happened. I've seen what Edward Cullen masturbates to."

"…do I want to know what the worst thing is?"

"The WORST thing is if he ever _finds out about it_ and if that happens, I'm going to kill myself. Others may die also. I'm going to play this thing by ear."

"Calm down… hey, what site is that he's using?"

"A whole bunch of free stuff from some site called- Oooh you know, I think I'm psychologically damaged. I think this is what it feels like."

"Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?"

"And you know what's worse? Most of these computers are for Carlisle's work! I know! Because I'm not allowed touch them!

"Uh, yeah… and that site was called…?"

"If one of those sites had a virus in it, the whole system could have crashed!"

"I guess you'll need to open up an investigation into what happened."

"I know what happened! Edward fucked up!"

"Well, I didn't say it needed to be a _long_ investigation."

"This is the worst. I feel like I need a bath. In bleach."

"How about more booze?"

"Can I rub it in my skin?"

"I don't see why not…"


	7. God Can Make Infinate Tacos

_Tell your friends! Because I'm a reviewawhore! No apologies. NEVER apologies. (That's not a typo BTW, I'm saying that there's never any apologies on this fanfic page. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.)_

Wheeeeere were we, oh dear old diary entry? Ah yes, let me continue…

Jacob was running haphazardly through the upstairs halls, slamming into the walls. I was 70% sure he wasn't supposed to do this, but at this point I was fairly inebriated. Who was I to judge?

"Oh man, slow dooowwwwwn," I whined. "Or carry me. Don't you have freaky strength or some shit like that? Can't you carry me?"

"Yes, but with great power comes great responsibility!"

"So will you carry me?"

"No."

"Aw."

"Hey, what's that multi-coloured pool of gunk over in the corner?"

"Oh, I vomited laser unicorn rainbow porn earlier."

"… I see."

I don't think he really saw, but we turned on our heels and went to make a pit stop in the upstairs dining room for more booze before continuing our tour of the house.

"So listen. Listen. Dude. Listen. Dude. _Listen_"

"I'm _listening_."

"Do you- do you think that," Jacob swayed for a moment as he tried to gain control over the alcohol. "Do you think that Edward would be pissed if we invited the guys?"

I peered blearily at him. "The guys?"

"You _know_. YOU _KNOW_. The GUYS. The guys who- they do the same with the…" Jacob did a series of vague wave-y hand gestures. If I had been any way sober, I probably wouldn't know what the hell he was talking about. Luckily for me, I wasn't.

"The other guys who turn into wolves?"

"Yeah, s'just that we need to get this party STARTED dude! This has to be THE BEST PARTY EVER. Do you think Edward would have a problem with it?"

I gave it serious thought, holding onto the wall 'cos the damn cheap-ass floor was swaying all over the place. Seriously, what kind of awful, awful architect puts in a swaying floor? That's just asking for trouble. "Nooooo, I think he'd LOVE it. He's always saying how much he loves you guys. Or loathes. One of those. Definitely."

"Awesome."

"Okay, lets get a phone and invite these boys!"

"And Leah," added Jacob.

"And Leah," I agreed. She was fun and she annoyed everyone. It's like we were sisters or something. Except not, because that would be an awful hackneyed plot-device used by poor writers who insist on pulling such strings as making their main character the only one invulnerable to all sorts of psychic influence. Or something.

We continued until we came to Carlisle's study. "Excellent. There'll definitely be a phone in here. Do NOT touch anything," I told Jacob, who was eyeing a large crystal paperweight. "Carlisle is a VERY IMPORTANT DOCTOR."

"So what?"

"SO EVERYTHING IS MADE OF _POISON_ THAT'S WHAT!"

"Jeez, okay, sorry… Here, thiss looks like a phone…"

"Yeah, tell me the- hey whass thiss?" I held up a thick black book beside the phone. The leather was all cracked and it look old and important. "It's a phonebook… I wonder who's-"

At that precise moment, I was gripped by a sudden and unexplainable urge. "Gotta pee?" Jacob asked, watching me hop around, leg locked.

"Back in five!" I hurried out of the study and down the corridor, and just made it to the white shiny bathroom on time. I gotta hand it to the Cullen's, they know how to build a bathroom. You know the President's bathroom? Yeah, like that. Times a million.

When I arrived back to the study, zipping my fly like a classy lady, Jacob was in the process of putting the phone back in it's cradle.

"You call 'em?" I asked, surreptitiously checking the room for anything he might have broken while I was gone.

Hey, I didn't want anyone to blame ME.

"Yeah, they're totally coming," he informed me. Then he got a funny look in his eyes and grabbed me by the shoulders. "I want this to be the best party ever for you Anna. Do you understand that? _Best_ party _ever_. That's all I want."

"Uh. Okay."

"And I would never do anything that would unintentionally make your party bad, you know that, right? _Right_?"

"…you're hurting me…"

"Because you deserve an epic party Anna. You deserve to drink so much you puke up your stomach. In fact! As your friend, I am going to **MAKE SURE YOU PUKE UP YOUR STOMACH**." He twisted me around and put me in what I'm sure he thought was an affectionate head-lock. "Because we're BRO'S, Anna," he informed me emotionally. "Bro's until the _end_, and what I am going to do for you Anna, as your bro, is make this the best party ever, do you hear me? BEST PARTY EVER…. Anna?... Anna? …Why aren't you speaking?... Why are you going blue?... Do you not it like that we're bro's?... Is it blue of sadness?... Anna, don't go to sleep, Anna, it's your birthday party…Anna?"

After I had come round from my impromptu result-of-lack-of-oxygen nap, Jacob asked me what we were going to do about Edward.

"What about him?" I asked grumpily, massaging my throat. "He'll be fiiiiine with this. Trust me. I know him. Because I know his _soul_."

"But you hate him."

"Because I know his _soul_."

"Actually I was talking about the other thing. The fact that he's accessing porn on Carlisle's super important computers for work. That thing."

I glared at Jacob. I didn't want to admit it, but it had been bothering me.

I mean, how was I going to look Edward in the eye?

Ah crap, let's face the real important issue here…

How the hell was I going to eat his goddamn sandwiches?

"Oooh nooo." I buried my head in my hands. "Every time I look at him I'm going to be picturing him whacking off to all that stuff… and you know… you know…Some of the girls in Edward's porn don't even look like girls…"

Just then, there was a noise from behind us. It sounded like strangled choking.

"Oh, hi Edward!" I said brightly.

"How did-" he started, then he seemed to have some sort of breakdown and his eyes rolled back in his head so only the white's could be seen.

Me and Jacob watched him for a little while, and then when that got boring we had an animated conversation about who would win in a fight between Superman and God. I was on God's side. Say what you like, the guy is all right.

Occasionally a muscle would twitch on Edward's face.

"No," I insisted, slurring just a little. "No, no, no, no, no. Because if Superman got a bazooka, then God could make a BIGGER bazooka! God can make ANYTHING. He's like- he's like- he's like JESUS."

"Ahah!" Jacob exclaimed, waving a bottle of cognac that we had found in Carlisle's bottom desk drawer around the place (that's the only thing that I decided wasn't poison). "If God can make everything, could he make a bazooka that NOT EVEN HE COULD USE?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well then… what about A TACO SO BIG THAT NOT EVEN HE COULD EAT IT?"

"No."

"Not a taco?"

"Taco's are special. It says it in the Bible."

"Where?"

"Near the back. Somewhere."

"Get a bible and show me!"

"Mmm…no."

"Could God make God?"

"Dude, shut _up_" I hissed, eyes wide as I grabbed the cognac off him. "He's _listening_!"

We both fearfully turned our eyes upwards, waiting for fiery retribution when-

"Ahem."

We turned and looked at Edward, who was now sporting a very composed, yet somehow _frozen_ look on his face.

"Yeeeaaaas?" I asked him sweetly.

"I would merely like to point out that many people in this household use this computer and-"

I ticked off on my fingers. "One: You forgot to log out of your account. Two: Jasper has his own porn site where freaky pale ladies in corsets get ripped into half and eaten. (Seriously get that guy some therapy). And four: Emmett doesn't have the intellectual ability to turn a computer on, let alone hack your password."  
"Which is probably something like 'IheartBella' or something," interjected Jacob, taking back the cognac. "Seriously dude, get some balls."

"I don't- Look, listen, it's not what you think, I just- just-"

"And," I continued, laying down my ace-card, "None of those girls were even that well endowed!"

"I don't- what?"

"Yep," I continued smugly. "You need to get yourself a better porn site Edward. Half those chicks looked totally flat-chested. And with short hair. What's with that?"

Edward blinked, and opened and closed his mouth silently for a couple of seconds, and then he seemed to give up and rubbed his eyes. "What will it take for you to not tell anyone about this ever?"

"Well, I personally don't have a problem with you whacking off to some virtual goodies," said Jacob, squinting at the bottle. "Anna, on the other hand, is scandalized that you used her precious Doctor Carlisle's computer to access such filth."

Edward turned to me. "Fine, you annoying little bag of air. What do you want?"

"Oooh don't worry about me, Edward," I said smugly. "Carmen is going to get you eventually."

There was a pause.

"_It's KARMA you idiot_!" Edward buried his face in his hands. "Oh god, I'm starting to think like _**it**_ thinks!"

"Look, I'm just going to forget this ever happened. Because frankly the idea of you actually mast- _huck!_"

"What's wrong?"

"Threw up a little. Look, lets not ever talk about this ever again. Ever."

"Agreed," Edward said, looking very relieved. "Now come down to the kitchen. I have a lot of food that needs eating."

He left.

Jacob turned to me, eyes filled with tears. "I love that guy, you know that? Why don't we like him again?"

"He's an anal dickhead who's so far in the closet he's having tea with Mr. Tumnus?"

"Oh yeah…"

We made our sexy, sexy way down to the kitchen, where we found all the vampires assembled.

"Yo, me and Jacob been kickin' it old school and we got some mad hungers up in here, yo!" I exclaimed like the very cool person I am, accompanying my statement with the appropriate hand gestures and stance.

"Well, you've come to the right place as long as you stop talking like one of those MTV Jackasses," said Jasper, as Jacob ignored everything and made a beeline for a large table groaning with food.

"You are pretty," I told Jasper.

"Thank you."

"How's your vampiric experience with drink going?"

"Good. I sober up faster than normal, but on the plus side we bought enough alcohol for a small country."

"Hey. Hey. That's MY birthday alcohol buddy!"

"Yes, and if you drank all of it by yourself you would die."

"YEAH. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! How much have you drunken already?"

"Dru- Uh, well, I actually- There's a couple of empties…" He trailed off, and I followed his gaze until my eyes alighted upon four boxes all neatly filled with completely empty bottles that had previously boasted some of Fork's strongest liquor.

"Crikey Moses!" I exclaimed. "Who the hell drinks so much and _still lives_!"

"He's a _vampire_, duh," said Jacob, joining the conversation and spitting food as he spoke. "And what the **hell** is 'Crikey Moses'? Dude, you need to get some better swear words."

"Yeah," said Jacob cheerfully. "Like: Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper" Silence accompanied by shocked stares and food falling gently to the floor from the sandwich in Jasper's motionless hands. "Or… not?"

I pointed at myself. "Do you see this look on my face? That looks means you have just broken my mind."

"Okaaaaaay," exclaimed Edward, clapping his be-ovengloved hands together. "Let's play a party game!"

"Jello-shots?" I asked again eagerly.

"No, that's not a game Anna, that's alcoholism."

"Fine. Strip-Twister?"

"What? No. It's a getting to know you game."

"So is Strip-Twister!"

"_**ANYWAY**_ to get to know each other a little better I'm going to ask you all to answer this question: if you were an animal, what would it be? I'd be a cat, I think. Lithe, graceful…"

Emmett rumbled. "A gorilla. They're strong."

Jasper shrugged. "A panther, because they're awesome."

Jacob made squinty eyes at Edward. "A pretty fish. Because that is totally the animal that I am and not some sort of wolf-like thing in any way ever."

I balled my fists and spoke from my soul. "A bird, so I could shit on anybody who tried to shit on me."

Long awkward pause.

Edward: "…Okay. That's a good answer too…"

Pause.

"So… that's enough getting to know you games, I think! Uh, listen, Jasper, is it okay if I move these boxes out of the kitchen into your car?" He pointed to the ones filled with empty bottles. "You can drop them to the bottle bank when you're sober enough to drive."

Jasper nodded, taking a swig out of a bottle filled with a suspiciously clear liquid that seemed to burn holes through all it touched. "Sure. Put them in the back seat. I've got a bunch of junk in my trunk... Excuse the double meaning."

Edward frowned. "Double meaning?"

Jasper snorted with laughter. "You know…I've got junk in my trunk."

"I don't get it."

"It- you-… Never mind."

"Are you talking about elephants?"

Eventually, Edward made it out to the car without any more hazardous breakages of his sanity. Unfortunately, there was now no one to make me food.

"I'm _huuuuuungry_," I whined.

"There's a whole table of food over there. Look. Right there." Jasper pointed out, being needlessly reasonable.

I squinted and tilted my head to the left. "Where?"

"There? Turn your- to the left. Stop looking at me. Over there. No, not on the ceiling. There's nothing outside either. There! Anna, there's a whole table of food _there_!"

As Jasper grabbed my head and twisted it in the previously indicated direction, I saw that there was. Jacob was still ploughing through it whole-heartedly and I was pretty sure that Emmett was passed out underneath the volumous folds of the linen table-cloth.

"Yeah…well…I wanted cooked food," I sulked, making my way to the table.

"It is cooked."

"Cooked right _now_!"

"Fine," a voice behind me said. "I'll cook you something."

I stopped in my tracks. "_Really_?"

Jacob nodded. "You're the birthday girl! You get anything you want. Now what do you want to eat. Go ahead. Pick anything."

"I want… A TACO!"

"Okay, and what do you want in your taco?"

"HOT DOGS!"

"…And on top?"

I paused. This required deep thought. "…MACARONI!"

There was a long and poignant silence, and eventually, after staring at me for almost ten seconds straight (count it out in your head – its damn long) Jacob came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Anna, first thing tomorrow we are going to the Patents Office."

"Really?"

"So very really."

"I don't think the Patent's Office-"

"Do you want to become rich, Anna? Do you want to become rich and save the world? I am offering you this today Anna. This is what I am offering you today."

"We're going to be rich?"

"So rich."

"Richer then Jesus?"

"Richer then P. Diddy."

"RICHER THEN P. DIDDY?"

"Yeah, P. Diddy will call us up to invite us to his birthday party and we'll make a tape of us saying no and making fun of him!"

"Oh my god yes."

"What do you want to name your god-like creation?"

"It shall be called… it shall be called… A Macatacohoni!"

"I think- I think you might be a genius Anna."

"I think you're right."

Jacob made the Macatacohoni. It was everything it promised to be and more.

It was a little bit later and we were all still hanging out and getting drunk like all the cool kids do. Edward had been gone a little while and, let's be honest here, this probably added to our fun.

We were mostly reading the jokes off some of the various candy-wrappers, which was funny because we were drunk, and more funny because most of them didn't actually have jokes.

I peered at the rope candy wrapper of the long gooey treat I was eating. "Twenty four inches of strawberry flavour and fun," I read.

"Sounds like a midget I used to date," Jasper said. "Heyooo!... except _she_ was _grape_-flavoured."

"Inappropriate," I informed him.

"What, _again_? Godammit…"

"Yup, go ahead take a ticket off the dispenser Carlisle set up for you. He'll be very disappointed. You know, three more tickets and you're going to have to take the class on 'Stuff You Can't Say to People You Don't Know.' And I'll be giving it. Because I've had enough experience in this area to last me a life-time. And IT'S DONE ME NO GOOD. I thought you would have learned by now, Jasper. I thought you would have _learned_."

"Yeah, I know…" Jasper said glumly.

Just then, Edward did what he always does and sucked the fun out of everything ever.

He burst in through the door, looking like a bazillion puppies had pooped on all his designer shirts. "I think I found someone's **secret project**!" he hissed.

"Mine?" exclaimed Jasper, eyes wide.

Everyone paused.

"You have a secret project?" I asked.

"Uh… No."

Edward continued, whipping out a teeny state-of-the-art mobile phone and brandishing it for all to see. "I am _referring_ to the phone call I just received from a certain pack of _werewolves_ asking me if the _**should bring something along for the party**_!"

"…did you say yes?" I asked hopefully.

Edward exploded. "How could you DO this? THIS IS A **TRAVESTY**!"

"My uncle is a travesty!"

"_No_, Anna," Edward said, kneading his temples with his knuckles. "Your uncle is a _transvestite_. I need you to _hear_, not speak."

Jacob put up his hands. "Now look Edward, this is Anna's birthday. She deserves a nice big party. And all the guys have been talking about what they would do to taste your food again."

"Now, Edward!" I exclaimed enthusiastically. "Now's your chance!"

"Why?" Edward pleaded with me. "Why would you agree to this?"

I shook my head. "Sorry Edward. I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an awesome rack."

He slumped. "No. Dear _Christ_ no. You're like a puppy that chewed up my favourite pair of shoes. You _want_ to be angry at it, but it's clearly having a good time and it has the overall IQ of a stunned squirrel."

"Oh yeah? OH YEAH? Well, you're looking at the inventor of the Macatacohoni! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?"

"The Maca- What- what is that?"

I told him, and he got a funny look on his face. "They let you eat that?" he said, and then turned slowly and walked out of the room.

"I think he's going to call the emergency services!" Jasper said nervously.

"BULLSHIT!" exclaimed Jacob. "He's calling the damn Patent Office! ANNA! _**GET IN THE VAN**_!"

"We don't have a van."

"THEN GET ON MY BACK!"

Right then and there, Jacob transformed into a wolf, ripping through his clothing and growing all fur and shit.

It was totally awesome.

"DUDE THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME!" I shouted, and began to clamber on his back, because like _duh_, who wouldn't?

Unfortunately Jasper was all like pulling me off and "Blah, blah, blah, riding on a drunk werewolf blah, blah, violent death blah, blah blah, Edward is back, blah, blah, he only wanted to roast you some vegetables so you wouldn't die of malnutrition, blah, blah, hhhhhhhblahhhh."

God, he is SO much prettier with his mouth shut.

It seemed that Edward DID only want to ensure that I was receiving the sufficient amounts of my 5-a-day, and only left the room to procure vegetables with which to create roasted vegetable delights… with. Apparently my admission of my recent food-related history had reminded him of his duties regarding the Feed-The-Anna Protocol. Dude, if that shit broke down, international relations would get NASTY.

"So," I said, peering over his shoulder in a totally non-obvious manner.

"Yes?" asked Edward testily. Damn. How did he sense my presence? He must have freaky ninja skills or sumpthin'.

"…vegetables, eh?"

"Yes."

"Are they… SPACE VEGETABLES?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, _that's good enough_."

"Good."

"In fact, in fact, I'm **totally going to help**!"

"Ohdeargod_NOO_!"

In one swift movement, I managed to pick up a knife, aim for a pepper and slice a fairly sizable chunk off my thumb. I was clearly aiming for the pepper. It just veered sideways. It's like the knife was _defective_. I mean, I'm not blaming anyone, or naming names, that's just that's what I'm thinking. The knife was _totally_ defective. Wrong in _every_ build and logical design. Defective. Really. No other logical explanation.

"AAAH!" I screamed. "I'm _bleeding_! A **lot**! What do I do?"

Edward assessed the situation. "First: Bleed away from me. This shirt is expensive."

"I need to go to a hospital! This might be news to you vampires, but if I keep losing blood I could actually **die**!"

"Oh you're fine…"

"No, you don't get it man! When you die in the Cullen house, YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!"

Thankfully, Edward had more than a basic knowledge in First Aid – apparently due to the fact that when he was getting' jiggy with his wife he was in constant danger of killing her.

Go figure.

And APPARENTLY I only nicked the tip of my finger, and I was 'totally over-reacting'. Which is obviously what any share-holder in the company that produced those knives would want me to believe. I'm onto you Cullen. I'M ON TO YOOOUUUU!

"You know it's weird you devote so much time to this Bella chick," I told him, whilst waving my bandaged finger in the air, testing his bandaging skills. "Don't you think it might be a good idea to check out other girls… or not girls…girls who are boys…whatever…"

"Bella is my soul mate," Edward informed me while putting away the First Aid Kit. "Our love is pure and cannot be tarnished by mere events. We're meant to be together."

"I'll tell her you went off with some guy if you like, just to test her reaction to see if you could get away with it."

"She knows that any transgression from fidelity on my part must be a part of some poorly constructed ruse."

"Yeah," I said helpfully. "Or maybe she'll become a super stalker and will cut off your feet if you even look at another girl. You scoff now, but it's the second most likely alternative! SECOND MOST LIKELY!"

With a very unsympathetic shove, Edward ejected me from his kitchen once again, muttering something about having to create an evening meal now that the were-wolves were coming. Feeling sorry for myself, I hobbled out into the living room, despite the fact that the wound I sustained was to my hand and therefore had no need to hobble whatsoever.

"Anna!" exclaimed Emmett. "What happened to the poor baby?"

I felt quite good about myself for a approximately three seconds until I realized that the thing that gorilla-man Emmett was referring to as 'poor baby' was a freaky marble statue of those babies shooting arrows that he must have ripped from the immaculate lawn outside. What _was_ it with artists shooting arrows back then? I mean really. If I had been wandering back in them days I'd have been all like: 'Yo, Infant with the Arrows. You and me gots to _Talk_ Dawg…'

And I would use words with **capital letters** needlessly, just to scare my opponents.

Ooooh.

ANYWAY. What did I care that Emmett was, in this intoxicated state, speaking to an inanimate object? I would _tell_ the crowd my tale, by gum, and become a _hero_ for it!

"All right guys. All right. Calm down. I have a tale to tell. And I know what you are thinking. You're thinking 'Anna. You are so awesome,' but please try and stay focused because even though that is true I'm trying to tell a story."

"Anna," interjected Jasper. "Listen, now you _know_ how I love to feign interest in your made-up adventures-"

"Yees…?" I assented suspiciously, yet enthusiastically.

"Well, I was thinking we could forgo that whole charade ."

"Yeeeeeaaaaaas…?" I repeated, with a significantly less amount of enthusiasm. I LIKED the charade.

"And maybe we could just skip to the bit where you go straight to opening your presents and cutting the cake?"

"Yes. _Yes_."

With reverence that was almost holy, Jasper handed me the knife, while Jacob stood by in fur covered glory, all snarly and approving of the fact that we were wbout to engage in a sugar ingesting orgy the likes of which Forkes has never seen.

I approached the cake, and raised the kni-

"Oh shit no!"

Right at that minute Jasper smelled the blood under the bandage and pounced on me, all red eyed an fang-y.

I shrieked like a bitch, of course.

"_RAAAAPE!_"

Just like my Daddy taught me.


End file.
